Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: She displayed complete contempt for science. She claimed that knowledge was a myth, and then she told the class they could take their shoes off. Some of them did.
Dr. Linkletter: Luckily we've established you're a mature young man capable of figuring this out on his own, so, go get 'em, sport.
Sheldon: But as a man of science, aren't you offended by this?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this is a college campus. You come across all sorts. Anarchists, communists, vegans. There's a fella in the religion department that believes God is two women, and their names are Wendy and Claire.
Sheldon: But to say nobody actually knows anything, how could she know that? It's a contradiction.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I blow some bubbles out of a bear's head and we call it a day?
Sheldon: I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippy.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know what to tell you. If you're that unhappy, just drop the class.
Sheldon: Of course. Drop the class. This is college. I can do that.
Dr. Linkletter:There you go.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: You're welcome.
Sheldon: From now on, I'm coming to you with all my problems.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Pastor Jeff: Since everyone is going back to school tomorrow, let's finish up with a back-to-school prayer. [Sheldon raises his hand] What?
Sheldon: Does this prayer just apply to middle school, or is it appropriate for the college-bound?
Pastor Jeff: It's for everyone. But thank you once again for reminding us you're starting college.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind. You've got a lot on your plate.
Pastor Jeff: Just pray.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.
Quote from the episode A Philosophy Class and Worms That Can Chase You
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon. How wonderfully early it is to see you. If you've come by for a snack, I picked you up some crackers shaped like fish.
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that I don't need you to babysit me. I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I'm not very comfortable around children, even with your level of maturity. How old are you? Six? Seven?
Sheldon: Eleven.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Then it's good I kept the receipt for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.
Sheldon: I should get going. My philosophy class starts in a few minutes.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, yes, the great thinkers. Socrates, Plato. Speaking of which, I got you some Play-Doh.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: I made it! I'm here! [panting]
Janet: Fill this out and sign the... Um, there's a bee on you.
Sheldon: What?
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: I may not look it, but I'm the future of physics, so just move on.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: [sighs] If you highlight everything, you highlight nothing. [checks watch] Uh-oh. [to Jason] Young man, don't move these books. I have a system.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: Not so bad. [turns page] I would have highlighted that. [turns page] And someone drew genitals.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: Can you show me where the used physics textbooks are?
Jason: Follow me.
Sheldon: Normally I would prefer a fresh new textbook, but my father is a high school football coach. Which is another way of saying we're poor.
Jason: Here you go.
Sheldon: [opens book] Who owned this, a werewolf?
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Mary: How's it look?
Sam: Cute.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Mary: I ran into Sam.
Sheldon: Yes, you're a person I know.
Mary: Hey, aren't you supposed to be getting your I.D. photo?
Sheldon: I got a little waylaid.
Mary: Can I help?
Sheldon: No, everything is perfectly under control. And take off that sweatshirt. You don't go to school here!
Sam: [to Mary] See? Worth every penny.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: [to himself] Stay calm. You can make it. [Sheldon crashes into another student] Aah! Honestly, who drinks a Slurpee at 11:00a.m?
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Sheldon: Help me with my clothes.
Missy: Burn them and get new ones.
Sheldon: Please, it's freshman orientation. I want to make a good impression.
Missy: Fine.
Sheldon: Which bow tie says mature enough to be in college but whimsical enough to discuss which came first, the Higgs field or the photon?
Missy: They both say weird kid who eats alone.
Sheldon: Come on. I know you're concerned about what you'll wear to middle school.
Missy: [sighs] Show me again. The blue one. Plaid's too busy.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Missy: Or don't be the kid in a bow tie.
Sheldon: This is not the day to go crazy.
Quote from the episode Freshman Orientation and the Inventor of the Zipper
Mary: My son, the college freshman. I can't believe it.
Sheldon: How can you not believe it? You had to sign my vaccination form.
Mary: Right. So, what do you want to do first? I was thinking we could start at the bookstore, try and beat the lines.
Sheldon: I agree about the lines, but what do you mean "we"?
Mary: I mean you and me.
Sheldon: This is my first day. I can't be seen walking around campus with my mommy.
Mary: Well, it's only orientation.
Sheldon: Yes, and I'm quite capable of handling everything that I need to get done today on my own.
Mary: I'm sure you are. I just figured, with Dr. Sturgis not around, it might be nice if I could be.
Sheldon: No one else's mother is going to be.
Mary: You don't know that.
Sheldon: Well, I know mine isn't.
Mary: [sighs] You might want to watch the attitude to the person who's driving you there.
Sheldon: Not all the way there. Drop me off a block away so no one sees us together.
Mary: Sorry, I am not leaving you alone your first day.
Sheldon: Yes, you are.
Mary: For someone going into college, you are acting very childish.
Sheldon: Maybe it just appears that way because you see me with my mommy.
Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On
Sheldon: I don't want anything. I'm not hungry.
Meemaw: Well, what's the matter?
Sheldon: My friends were supposed to play Dungeons & Dragons with me, but they cancelled.
Meemaw: Aw. Sorry.
Dale: We can play it with you.
Sheldon: Really?
Meemaw: Dale, that's nice, but... I don't think you'll like it.
Dale: Afraid I might beat you?
Sheldon: Actually, there's no one winner. It's a cooperative game where you use your imagination to explore a fantasy world with the help of the Dungeon Master's pre-planned scenarios and the rolling of polyhedral dice.
Meemaw: Still sound fun?
Dale: Yeah. Sorta.
Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On
Mary: All right, baby, we're leaving here in a few minutes, but we'll be back on Sunday and your Meemaw will be here. [Sheldon doesn't respond] Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Mary: We're leaving.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Mary: To San Antonio.
Sheldon: When are you leaving?
Mary: In a few minutes.
Sheldon: When will you get back?
Mary: Sunday.
Sheldon: But who's going to watch us?
Mary: Meemaw.
Sheldon: Okay. Bye.
Mary: Can you at least give me a hug?
Sheldon: I can.
Quote from the episode A Musty Crypt and a Stick to Pee On
Adult Sheldon: As long as I can remember, unlocking the mechanisms that govern the physical universe was my greatest passion.
Mary: Whatcha workin' on?
Sheldon: Dungeons & Dragons.
Adult Sheldon: Hey, even Hawking took a roll through the park once in a while.
Sheldon: I'm working on a new campaign to play with Tam and Billy.
Mary: You know how I feel about that game.
Sheldon: I'm aware, which is why the most wicked thing in it is my sense of humor. [doorbell rings]
Mary: [sighs] I still don't like it. But you are playing with other kids, so I'll take it as a win.
Adult Sheldon: Not just playing with other kids, controlling every aspect of their destiny as their Dungeon Master overlord. I didn't believe in God but I sure loved acting like one.
Quote from the episode Bible Camp and a Chariot of Love
Sheldon: For your information, not only am I going to show you up today, I've also prepared some biblical trash talk.
Paige: What is he talking about?
Missy: He stayed up all night studying.
Paige: Why?
Sheldon: To beat you at Bible trivia. Just like the prophets of mercy beat the priestly cult and its emphasis on ritual purity.
Paige: Was that the trash talk?
Sheldon: [scoffs] Was Zacchaeus a tax collector? Was Nicodemus a Pharisee?
Missy: Just hit him.
Quote from the episode Bible Camp and a Chariot of Love
Pastor Jeff: Next question. For a John the Baptist pencil topper, where did Jesus perform his first miracle? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: A wedding.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] Correct!
Sheldon: Aren't you even going to try?
Paige: Nope.
Sheldon: Why won't you compete with me?
Paige: Because it's fun watching you get upset.
Sheldon: What's fun about it?
Missy: [raises hand] Everything.
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