Pastor Jeff: Which one says "Robin, I like you" but also says "God is watching, be cool"?
Mary: The blue one.

Mary: That seems to be going well.
Pastor Jeff: It's going really well. I like her so much.
Mary: Why do you sound sad about it?
Pastor Jeff: Well, this is hard for me to say out loud. But when I'm around her, I find myself having you know...
Mary: I don't know.
Pastor Jeff: [whispers] Man thoughts.
Mary: Oh. But you're the pastor. You can't act on those.
Pastor Jeff: Hence my sadness.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time for me to move on. I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
Mary: Don't say that. You're a great preacher.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. But it's clear. I need to trod a new path.
Mary: Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.
Pastor Jeff: I don't know. Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, or a fishing trawler. I also know how to blow glass. I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets.

Pastor Jeff: I have this feeling inside that I should head home.
Mary: Well, then you got to honor that feeling, that's God.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. You want to come with?
Mary: Do you really want me there while you patch things up with your wife?
Pastor Jeff: She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company.
Mary: Um, if you think it'll help, I suppose-
Pastor Jeff: Great, let's hit it.

Mary: Pastor Jeff? Everything all right in there?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, yeah. I've just been praying, napping, crying. I like to mix it up.

Mary: Pastor, would you like to lead us in grace?
Pastor Jeff: I'd be honored. Heavenly Father, thank you for this food. I pray that it nourishes and strengthens us, and bless Mary for preparing it. And thank you for the Coopers who have invited me into their loving home. They are a shining example of what a marriage can be.
One that I hope to have again someday.
Mary: Amen.
Pastor Jeff: And please give me the strength-
Mary: Sorry.
Pastor Jeff: The strength to walk this road with unconditional love and joy in my heart. Amen.

Mary: I-I'm sure it's just a rough patch.
Pastor Jeff: Boy, I hope so.
Mary: Well, if there's any way I can make your life easier, you let me know.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you, Mary. I really appreciate it.
Mary: Oh, I almost forgot, um, Sheldon's here with me today.
Pastor Jeff: [unenthusiastic] Great.

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.

Mary: Okay, if you really want me to.
Pastor Jeff: I do. In fact, for the rest of the day, you're in charge. All right? The bulletins, the palms, it's all you.
Mary: Well, all right, um, but only if you promise to go home and get some rest.
Pastor Jeff: Sure. Home, movie theater, food court, somewhere.

Pastor Jeff: The Walker couple is coming in for counseling.
Mary: If you rescheduled, I'm sure they'd understand.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, what if you did it?
Mary: Marriage counseling? Don't you need some sort of training for that?
Pastor Jeff: Nah, you just listen, uh, give 'em a couple prayers, send 'em on their way.

Pastor Jeff: All right, everybody, welcome to the 1990 East Texas Baptist Olympics. [LAUGHS] 'Cause we're in the pool of water. Anyway, I want to welcome our little sister Veronica Duncan, who I will be dunkin'. [CHUCKLES] Sorry. I can't turn it off.

Pastor Jeff: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Pastor Jeff: You all right, Mare?
Mary: No, not really. Um. I can't stop thinking about that little girl.
Pastor Jeff: I understand. That's why it's important in these times to take comfort in our faith.
Mary: What if that's not doing the trick?
Pastor Jeff: Events like this can certainly create doubt. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit.
Mary: What do you do?
Pastor Jeff: I roll up my sleeves and I work even harder at serving our Lord. Mary, we each have a relationship with God, and relationships take work. Get out there. Help the needy, start a Bible study, hug a stranger and tell 'em the Lord loves 'em. [CHUCKLES] But not a child; that backfires on you, big-time.

Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Pastor Jeff: I don't know if you've heard, but our church secretary, Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment for a little problem with shall we say "under-the-counter" medications.
Mary: Oh, so that rumor's true.
Pastor Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Mary: Well, she did always seem extremely alert.
Pastor Jeff: Alert, shaky, sweaty.

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?