Pastor Jeff Quotes

Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit

Pastor Jeff: Lock-in? I love it!
Pastor Rob: Look at that.
Mary: You always say no.
Pastor Jeff: That was before I had a baby in the house. I love him, but a night away sounds like magic.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Pastor Jeff: Mary, I hate to say this, but I think it's time for me to move on. I thought even as a teenager, I'd been called to preach the word of God, but maybe that was just my ego. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
Mary: Don't say that. You're a great preacher.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. But it's clear. I need to trod a new path.
Mary: Well, what would you do? Trodding wise.
Pastor Jeff: I don't know. Maybe work with my hands amongst men, on an oil rig, or a fishing trawler. I also know how to blow glass. I could turn a pretty penny at swap meets.

Quote from the episode A Broken Heart and a Crock Monster

Pastor Jeff: I have this feeling inside that I should head home.
Mary: Well, then you got to honor that feeling, that's God.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. You want to come with?
Mary: Do you really want me there while you patch things up with your wife?
Pastor Jeff: She's less likely to throw any steak knives if we have company.
Mary: Um, if you think it'll help, I suppose-
Pastor Jeff: Great, let's hit it.

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Quote from the episode Albert Einstein and the Story of Another Mary

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. Quick question. Why can I see you through my newsletter?
Mary: Oh, sorry, I had to remove one of the ads.
Pastor Jeff: Was there anything important on the other side?
Mary: Just Peg's recipe for her grape salad.
Pastor Jeff: With the mayonnaise and the pretzels. Barf.

Quote from the episode One Bad Night and Chaos of Selfish Desires

Pastor Jeff: Just wanted to bring by some get-well cards from the kids at Sunday school.
George Sr.: Well, isn't that sweet.
Pastor Jeff: Some interesting spellings of the name "George." My favorites are "Gorge" and "Garage." [chuckles]
George Sr.: Well, you tell the kids that Coach Gorge appreciates it.
Pastor Jeff: Will do.

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Pastor Jeff: Oh, and tell Sheldon I spoke to my seminary professor, and the official ruling is: God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls.
Praise Jesus!

Quote from the episode A Crisis of Faith and Octopus Aliens

Mary: [to Sheldon] Okay, that's enough.
Pastor Jeff: No, no. I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific.

Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin

Pastor Jeff: Everything okay?
Mary: I feel like I'm a failure as a mother.
Pastor Jeff: What? Why?
Mary: Georgie dropped out of school, and now he's working in a gambling room. I tried so hard to keep him on the right path, and now I feel like I'm just pushing him away.
Pastor Jeff: Hey, teenagers rebel. When I was a kid in El Paso, we used to cross the border to drink beer and dance the night away.
Mary: I thought your father was a pastor.
Pastor Jeff: He was. It didn't stop me.
Mary: It's hard to imagine.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure my father felt the same way when he found his little jefe doing the hustle en la discoteca. [both chuckle] Just picture this, but with a big ol' '70s perm. I looked like a Chia Pet.

Quote from the episode A Lock-In, a Weather Girl and a Disgusting Habit

Pastor Jeff: Well, I've already confiscated a can of shaving cream, a box of stink bombs and a PG- movie.
Mary: What was the movie?
Pastor Jeff: Dirty Dancing. Which is redundant because all dancing's dirty.
Mary: Well, I guess it's good we got some eyes on the inside.
[When Mary and Jeff look over at Sheldon, who is pretending to read a book, he subtly nods]

Quote from the episode A Live Chicken, a Fried Chicken and Holy Matrimony

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Pastor Jeff: Hey. Robin says the house next door to y'all is for sale.
Mary: Oh, yeah, it is.
Pastor Jeff: Is it nice?
Mary: Uh... nice enough. Why? Are you thinking about moving?
Pastor Jeff: I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I shared with my ex-wife.
Mary: That's understandable.
Pastor Jeff: I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her. Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. [chuckles] But that's part of it.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mary: Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I might've called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

Mary: Well, um, I'm concerned George and Georgie might be succumbing to the sin of greed.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, that's a biggie.
Mary: Ever since Georgie started making money, he's been very disrespectful. Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job, he doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry to hear that. In Luke 12:15, Jesus says, "Watch out. Be on your guard against all kinds of greed. Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."
Mary: I know, but it seems like the whole world is sending the opposite message.
Pastor Jeff: Don't I know it. Just the other day, I was at the mall and a toaster oven caught my eye. Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it, and I realized I have a toaster and I have an oven. What am I doing? Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out in honky-tonks and casinos. Sometimes he's in the appliance section of Sears.

Quote from the episode The Sin of Greed and a Chimichanga from Chi-Chi's

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. What's up?
Mary: Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
Pastor Jeff: My sweet spot. Sit. What's the buzz? Tell me, what's a-happenin'? Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.

Quote from the episode A House for Sale and Serious Woman Stuff

Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish

Pastor Jeff: Now this might be hard to understand, but living a loving, Christian life isn't always the easiest thing to do. Yes, Billy.
Billy Sparks: My mom's not crazy about you either.
Pastor Jeff: Just love your neighbor, 'kay? [SNIFFS]

Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers

Pastor Jeff: Who's feeling brave? Missy.
Missy: I'll go second.
Pastor Jeff: Great. Does anybody want to go first?