Mary: I owe you an apology. I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other, but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house, we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you. That's nice to hear.
Mary: I mean it.
Pastor Jeff: Good, 'cause Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tape so no one else could get in. [chuckling]
Mary: Okay.

Mary: Pastor Jeff, you got a second?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I might've called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

Pastor Jeff: Here's the payroll checks.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Jeff: If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next door. Sorry it's so close.

Pastor Jeff: Hey. Robin says the house next door to y'all is for sale.
Mary: Oh, yeah, it is.
Pastor Jeff: Is it nice?
Mary: Uh... nice enough. Why? Are you thinking about moving?
Pastor Jeff: I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I shared with my ex-wife.
Mary: That's understandable.
Pastor Jeff: I want her to be happy. 'Cause I love her. Not just 'cause she's a cop with a gun. [chuckles] But that's part of it.

Pastor Jeff: What do you think?
Mary: How handsome! I feel like I'm in the presence of James Bond.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a license to officiate funerals.

Mary: Would you look at these sugar flowers?
Pastor Jeff: I'm too busy looking at the price tag. Judas Priest.

Mary: I'm sorry Robin couldn't be here.
Pastor Jeff: She's working extra shifts so she can take some time off after the wedding.
Mary: For a honeymoon? How nice. Where y'all going?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, we don't really plan on leaving the bedroom.

Mary: So, when were you thinking? Uh, spring, summer?
Pastor Jeff: Next Sunday.
Mary: Uh, oh. That is soon. Uh, you're not?
Officer Robin: No.
Pastor Jeff: Because we haven't, you know...
Officer Robin: But we would like to.
Pastor Jeff: But we can't 'cause I'm a pastor.
Officer Robin: But we can once we're married.
Pastor Jeff: So Sunday it is.
Mary: Okay.
Officer Robin: Or maybe Saturday.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, Saturday. Even better.
Officer Robin: I cannot wait.
Pastor Jeff: Me, either.
Mary: Still here. [all chuckling]

Mary: Pastor Jeff, are you still looking for a topic for this week's sermon?
Pastor Jeff: You mean the one I'm doing in 20 minutes?
Mary: Sorry, silly question.
Pastor Jeff: No. What do you got? I was gonna do Noah's ark, but Sheldon's gonna eat me alive, like those two lions would've done to those two giraffes.
Mary: Well, I've been thinking about the importance of being neighborly.

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Mary: Well, um, I'm concerned George and Georgie might be succumbing to the sin of greed.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, that's a biggie.
Mary: Ever since Georgie started making money, he's been very disrespectful. Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job, he doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry to hear that. In Luke 12:15, Jesus says, "Watch out. Be on your guard against all kinds of greed. Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."
Mary: I know, but it seems like the whole world is sending the opposite message.
Pastor Jeff: Don't I know it. Just the other day, I was at the mall and a toaster oven caught my eye. Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it, and I realized I have a toaster and I have an oven. What am I doing? Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out in honky-tonks and casinos. Sometimes he's in the appliance section of Sears.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. What's up?
Mary: Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
Pastor Jeff: My sweet spot. Sit. What's the buzz? Tell me, what's a-happenin'? Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.

Missy: Can I throw one?
George Sr.: Sure. Okay, now, remember what I taught you. Look where you're throwing and follow through.
Pastor Jeff: Uh-oh! Dad's bringing in the big guns. Let's see what you've got, little...
Mary: Yes! Yes!
Pastor Jeff: I am baptized once again.

Pastor Jeff: You might want to pray to the Lord for better aim. I'll get you started. Uh, Lord, help George Cooper hit something other than the buffet. Sorry. Trash talk's part of the job.

Pastor Jeff: Expecting rain, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No. In this context, it's a parasol from the French "para" meaning "defense from" and "sol" meaning "sun."
Pastor Jeff: Please, Mary.
Mary: No. Will you dunk him?
George Sr.: You got it.

Pastor Jeff: You must be Cain, because you're not Abel to hit the target.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Pastor Jeff: The Lord just sent me a message.
Officer Robin: Really?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry. I can't be in a physical relationship outside of marriage.
Officer Robin: Okay. I respect that.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Officer Robin: So when are we getting married?
Pastor Jeff: Uh...

Pastor Jeff: [answering phone] Hello?
Missy: I lied to you. I wasn't watching TV. I was playing with a Ouija board.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, who is this?
Missy: Missy Cooper, and I'm going to hell.
Pastor Jeff: Uh, Missy, you're- You're not gonna go to hell.
Missy: Yes, I am. God knows what I did. He sees everything.
Pastor Jeff: You're right. God does see everything. But He also just saw you be a good Christian and tell the truth. So I promise, your soul is safe.
Missy: You're sure?
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure.
Missy: [sighs] Thank you.

Pastor Jeff: The bolo tie's too sexy, right? Knew it.