Mary: Brenda. Have you heard anything?
Brenda Sparks: Not yet.
Mary: Oh, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Um, I- I ran into George at the bar, and... next thing I know, he started having chest pains.
Mary: [sighs] Well, thank the Lord you were there with him.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I really didn't do anything.
Mary: Don't say that! Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't been there?
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.

Mary: Come in.
George Jr.: I figured you didn't eat. I made you some soup.
Mary: Oh, thank you. But you didn't have to do that. Everything's fine.
George Jr.: I ain't a kid. You don't gotta lie to me.
Mary: [sighs] Okay. Honestly, I'm upset with your father. And I'm upset with myself.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause... he's right. Maybe I do think I know best, and I can be critical. But thank you for making me soup.
George Jr.: You're welcome.
Mary: Did you put water in this?
George Jr.: Was I supposed to?
Mary: It's fine.

Mary: And don't worry about a thing here.
Pastor Jeff: Thank you.
Peg: Oh, sure, we can handle the food drive, the bulletins...
Mary: And if you're not feeling up to it, I could even give the sermon on Sunday.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sure I'll be fine by Sunday.
Mary: You don't have to decide right now.
Pastor Jeff: I'll do the sermon.
Mary: We'll play it by ear.
Peg: Take a hint, sister.

Meemaw: Thanks for inviting John to dinner tonight.
Mary: Oh, my pleasure.
Meemaw: I've been a little bit worried about him. You know, with what happened last time.
Mary: At least he didn't seem unstable when I talked to him.
Meemaw: The man has a doctorate in science, and he's filling people's grocery bags.
Mary: He actually did a really nice job. He put the heavy things on the bottom. He kept the cold things together.
Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Well, they don't always do that.

Mary: Well, this time I'm actually gonna get a haircut. I had a little accident.
June: Uh-oh, what happened?
Mary: Well, I was sewing and got to daydreaming...
[flashback to Mary working on the sewing machine before she starts to fantasize:]
[fantasy: Missy, Georgie and George are wearing clothes Mary made:]
Missy: I love it. You can make all my clothes from now on.
George Jr.: I'm-a wear this to the prom.
George Sr.: I was wrong, honey, you really are good at this. Boy, am I dumb.
[reality:]
[sewing machine clacking]
Mary: George! George! Help!
George Sr.: What? What's the matter?
Mary: My hair got tangled in the machine.
George Sr.: So pull it out.
Mary: Don't you think I thought of that?!
George Sr.: Well, what do you want me to do? All right, don't move.
[back:]
Mary: And here we are.
June: Okay. Let's get that hat off and see what we're dealing with.
Mary: I don't want to.
June: Oh, come on. I've been doing this a long time. I promise you I've seen worse. Oh... [chortles] That's not bad at all.

George Jr.: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm sewing.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it's a thing I like to do.
George Jr.: I ain't never seen you sew.
Mary: Well, you're seeing it now.

Mary: When I was younger, I used to love making my own clothes.
June: Mm-hmm.
Mary: I always thought I'd do something with that. Maybe I should get back to it.
June: You definitely should.
Mary: Okay.
June: Okay. So, what are we thinking?
Mary: Actually, I don't think I need a haircut anymore. Thank you so much.
June: Oh, my pleasure. [chuckles] I got to start charging by the hour.

Mary: Maybe this is a bad idea. I should come back.
June: No, no, no, no. Come on, you're already here. Either way, there's nothing wrong in a little change.
Mary: Okay. Uh... What do you think I should do?
June: Well, when you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see?
Mary: I see a mom and... a wife.
June: Okay, that's the hair you already got. Who do you want to see?
Mary: Oh, um...
June: Maybe we start with the nails.
Mary: That's a great idea.

Mary: So, then, was there no big blowup when he left?
Brenda Sparks: Not really.
Mary: Well, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Let's see... We used to be happy. Little by little, we weren't. Then there was bickering, then there was silence, and then... it was over.
Mary: I mean... all couples bicker, right?
Meemaw: You worried about you and George?
Mary: Of course.
Brenda Sparks: I'm sure you guys will be fine.
Meemaw: And if it doesn't work out, I'd be happy to introduce you to Butt Crack Bob over here. [laughs]

Mary: Here we go.
Brenda Sparks: Is that three beers I see?
Mary: It's girls' night out and I said I was gonna show you a good time.
Meemaw: All right, then, party girl, give us a toast.
Mary: Oh, um, well, uh... Bless these beers and the bartender who poured them.
Meemaw: Seriously?
Mary: I thought it was good.

Mary: [on the phone] Listen, I appreciate that you value Sheldon at your school.
President Hagemeyer: Love him.
Mary: But I am trying to raise him to be a well-rounded individual who will get in a car.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Academia draws all kinds of eccentrics. Yeah, we've got a biology professor who hasn't cut his nails in years. Ugh. Looks like Edward Scissorhands.
Mary: That is not what I want for my son. [sighs] Do you have children?
President Hagemeyer: No, but thanks for bringing it up.
Mary: Anyway, I would like Sheldon to function in society, and it does not help if you give him everything that he asks for.
President Hagemeyer: I'm just doing my job.
Mary: And I am just doing mine.
President Hagemeyer: Understood.
Mary: Thank you.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, and, um, in a few minutes, my assistant is gonna be dropping off a big old basket of Star Trek tapes. [chuckles] I'm afraid it's too late for me to pump the brakes on that one.

Mary: [answers phone] First Baptist of Medford. How may I bless you?
Meemaw: I thought Peg answered the phones.
Mary: Mom?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: Something I can help you with?
Meemaw: No, it can wait.
Mary: You want the number to the shuttle, don't you?
Meemaw: [sighs] Yes.
Mary: Let me get that for you. Huh. Um, looking under "G" for "geezer bus," and it's not there.
Meemaw: Oh, that's hilarious.
Mary: Maybe it's under "O" for "old fogies."
Meemaw: You know, you're not being a very Christian person right now.
Mary: I have enough prayers in the bank, I can coast for a day.
Meemaw: Just give me the number!
Mary: All right. Now, remember when you call to let them know if you need any help getting up stairs.

Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't do it.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: What if there's another crash?
Mary: Baby, that's not gonna happen again.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't get in right now, you're going to miss school.
Sheldon: [sighs] True. [enters car]
Mary: I know you don't believe in it, but I'm gonna say an extra special prayer right now to keep us safe. Lord, please look after me and Sheldon on our drive to school... [door opens] [sighs] I'll get back to you.

Brenda Sparks: What now?
Mary: I feel like I might've overstepped my bounds last night, so I just wanted to bring you these and apologize.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you.
Mary: And I did mean it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Brenda Sparks: Appreciate it.
Mary: Okay. [starts to walk off]
Brenda Sparks: It's more than Billy. Herschel moved out.
Mary: Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry.
Brenda Sparks: Do you want to come in?
Mary: Of course.

Brenda Sparks: [answers phone] Hello?
Mary: Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Hey.
Mary: Hi. I was just checking in, seeing how you're doing.
Brenda Sparks: How am I doing about what?
Mary: Well, I heard that Billy might be having a tough time at school.
Brenda Sparks: Well, you know what, he'll be fine, so thanks for calling.
Mary: Okay. Um, if there's anything I can do, or if you ever want to talk...?
Brenda Sparks: Good to know. Anything else?
Mary: Uh, no, that was it.
Brenda Sparks: Okay. Bye. [hangs up]

Mary: Oh, um... I saw you and Brenda Sparks out for a walk this mornin'. That's fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. Nice way to start the day.
Mary: Yeah. Um... I'd go with George, but he's a gym teacher, and as a group, they're not much for walkin'.
Pastor Jeff: Well, you keep asking, maybe he'll come around.
Mary: Good idea, thank you.
Pastor Jeff: It's not just witty church signs up here.

Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.

Mary: Shelly, I was looking at your college catalog. There are a lot of fun clubs. Might be a nice way to make some new friends.
Sheldon: I don't need friends. I have Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: And he's fun, but... did you know that there's a Science Fiction Club? You like science fiction.
Sheldon: I prefer science fact.
Mary: Then maybe you might enjoy the Astronomy Club. Outer space and such.
Missy: Ooh. You can meet other people from your planet.
Mary: Read your magazine.
Sheldon: Why are you so interested in me joining a club?
Mary: I just want to make sure that you get the full college experience.
Sheldon: I suppose my so-called peers could benefit from my presence.
Mary: And you might benefit, too.
Sheldon: A nice thought, but I don't spread my sunshine for selfish reasons. Give me the catalog.
Missy: You tried, and that's what counts.

Mary: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to see how today went.
Mary: Oh. [goes outside] Not great. Sheldon is already in some sort of fight with his philosophy professor.
Brenda Sparks: About what?
Sheldon: Currently, he's plotting "the destruction of her worldview," whatever that means.
Brenda Sparks: Sounds exciting.
Mary: It's mostly him reading a book and giggling to himself.

Missy: And at lunch, an eighth-grade boy said, and I quote, "I like Funyuns, too."
Mary: Wow.
Missy: I know.