Pastor Rob: Hey, you want to chaperone with me?
Mary: Oh. Uh... I don't know.
Pastor Rob: Come on. We'll pull an all-nighter. It'll be fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, Mary. Don't be such a lame-o. [Rob chuckles]
Mary: I'm not a lame-o. I'm a fun-o.
Pastor Jeff: So you're in?
Mary: You betcha.
Pastor Rob: All right. Fun-o is in. We got ourselves a lock-in to plan.

Mary: Hey, where you been?
George Sr.: Ah, Brenda was having car trouble. Just giving her hand.
Mary: That's nice. I'm sure it's hard being by herself.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah. That whole house is in need of repair.
Mary: I hope you offered to help her out.
George Sr.: I did... she said no.
Mary: Well, that's just her being proud. Of course she wants your help.
George Sr.: [stammers] I guess some time I'll pop over.
Mary: Good. And when you go, hitch up your pants. There's a lot going on when you squat.

Sheldon: It's recently come to my attention that everybody lies and you can't believe a thing that comes out of anyone's mouth.
Mary: I don't think everybody lies. You don't lie.
Sheldon: No, but perhaps to get by in the world it's a skill I should cultivate.
Mary: I hope you don't. I love your honesty.
Sheldon: I want to believe you.
Mary: [scoffs] You should, because I'm your mother and I would never lie to you.
Sheldon: I would never lie to you, either.
Mary: So, I guess not everybody lies.
Sheldon: I heard what you said in your prayer, and I don't think you're failing as a mother.
Mary: Thank you. I think you're a pretty great son yourself.
Sheldon: I know I'm difficult.
Mary: There is not a single thing about you I would change.
Adult Sheldon: My mom promised she would never lie to me. And she never did.
Mary: [softly to the heavens] I'm sorry.

Mary: It is not okay. You are quitting right now.
George Jr.: Why would I do that?
Mary: Because I am your mother, and it is wrong.
George Jr.: Well, I'm working for your mother, and she says it's okay.
Mary: And I answer to a higher power, and He says it's also wrong, so I win, let's go.
George Jr.: Mom, please don't make a big deal out of this.
Mary: Oh, so there is an illegal gambling room in the back, and it's no big deal?
Florence: There's a gambling room back there?
Mary: And there is a church two blocks down, so maybe try that.

Mary: I thought you'd be at work.
George Jr.: I work nights this week.
Mary: Oh, I didn't realize the Laundromat was open late.
George Jr.: I did that. People work during the day, it seemed like an untapped market.
Mary: Smart. You know, if you want to advertise your new hours, you could take out an ad in the church bulletin.
George Jr.: That ain't a bad idea.
Mary: Maybe I'm where you get it from. Oh! It could say something like, "Jesus washes away your sins, and we'll wash away your stains."
George Jr.: [chuckles] Wow! You are really good at this. [Mary laughs] [Georgie rolls his eyes]

[dream sequence:]
Mary: Why are you in my bed?
Pastor Rob: Why are you?
Mary: This is wrong.
Pastor Rob: Does it feel wrong?
Mary: No.
Pastor Rob: Mary Cooper, I want to sex you up.
Mary: I would like that very much.
[Mary gasps as she wakes up]
George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just, um... I had a weird dream.
George Sr.: Must've been a doozy. You're all sweaty.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, people have had some strong feelings, but I think if they heard us out, they'd see we're not putting impure thoughts in anyone's heads. Right, Mary?
Mary: No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not. I mean, if we're upsetting people, we should just back off.
Pastor Jeff: Exactly. The talk is off. I never want to talk about the talk again.
Mary: Hallelujah.
Pastor Jeff: If you'll excuse me, I have 14 phone calls to return.
Pastor Rob: Well, sorry this didn't work out.
Mary: It's probably for the best. [inner monologue] Do not look at his butt. Do not look. Okay, do not look again.

Pastor Rob: Actually, this is great. You can tell the kids how you waited till marriage. I think it'll be really powerful for them to hear your story.
Mary: Uh-huh, right, right. Right.
Pastor Rob: Something seems not right.
Mary: Um, it's just, um... [chuckles] I didn't wait all the way until marriage.
Pastor Rob: Hey, none of my business.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Rob: But I appreciate the honesty. [silence] Well, this just got a little awkward.
Mary: Yup. Yeah. [laughs]
Pastor Rob: All right, have a good one.
Mary: Okay. Oh... [stammers]

Mary: Actually, um... I might have overstepped yesterday. In fact, I... think there might be some value in the kids hearing some of these things from people other than their parents.
Pastor Rob: Great. [chuckles] Hey, maybe it's something you and I could do together?
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, this was your idea.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, but you've got way more experience. With kids, I mean.
Mary: [chuckles] I know what you meant.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] Plus, it would be great for them to hear from a woman. So, either you or Peg, so...
Mary: Oh. I want to scare them, but not that much.

Missy: I don't have any questions. I'm good. Can we be done now?
Mary: So, you'll ask Pastor Rob, but you won't ask me?
Missy: I didn't ask you 'cause I know what you'll say.
Mary: You don't know what I'm gonna say.
Missy: "It's a sin." "You're too young." "Wait till marriage."
Mary: Well, it is, you are, and you should.

George Jr.: I'm thinking I'll put the flag over that window for, you know, privacy.
Mary: If you want, I could sew some curtains, make it look homey.
George Jr.: Nice. Girls will eat that up.
Mary: Flag is fine.

Mary: [enters] Hey. Dinner's ready.
Sheldon: I'll eat later. I have to finish this.
Mary: I made spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it. I even made sure that every piece is the exact same size.
Sheldon: Some things are more important than the width of a hot dog slice.
Mary: And I wish I'd known that sooner.

George Sr.: Kids in bed?
Mary: Not all of 'em.
George Sr.: Mary, if we let Georgie stay here, we're just makin' this all too easy for him.
Mary: I don't want to fight. I just want to know that our son is okay.
George Sr.: He's fine. He's stayin' at your mom's.
Mary: [sighs] Well, that's something. Although, where does she get off thinking that it's a good idea for him to drop out of school and then lettin' him live with her after he does it.
George Sr.: That's what I said.
Mary: Good! Maybe they'll learn to mind their own business!
Sheldon: [enters] Will you please stop fighting?
Mary: Oh, no. Sweetie, no, we're not fighting. We're just agreeing with each other angrily.

Missy: If Georgie's kicked out, can I have his room?
Mary: We are not kicking Georgie out.
George Sr.: You want to start this up again? Or can we just be mad at your mom and Dale?
Sheldon: And Georgie.
George Sr.: Thank you. And Georgie.
Mary: Let's just eat.

George Sr.: She really took his side?
Mary: I don't want to talk about that.
Meemaw: I thought you two had date night.
Mary: I don't want to talk about that, either.
Sheldon: Why isn't Georgie eating with us?
George Sr.: Let's talk about anything else.

Mary: I don't care what you believe. You are going to church tomorrow.
Missy: I don't want to.
Sheldon: It might be fun. The new youth pastor's starting.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: We can attack his belief system together. Like the Wonder Twins of atheism.
Mary: See? Your brother's excited.
Missy: You just want the new guy to have a bad day.
Mary: I can want two things.

Pastor Jeff: I drew up a list of interview questions we can ask the pastors.
Mary: [clicks tongue] But these are all softballs. Shouldn't we dig a little deeper?
Pastor Jeff: Are you kidding me? "Who's your favorite apostle and why" is gonna have them squirming in their seat.
Mary: Oh, please, there are 11 good answers and one bad one.

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, we're gonna revisit getting me some help with Sunday school.
Mary: I am ready, willing, and...
Pastor Jeff: Nope. I want someone who can really connect with the kids.
Mary: But connecting with the kids is what I do.
Peg: What planet are you on?
[flashback:]
Mary: I'm Miss Mary, and I'll be your Sunday school teacher. [as sock puppet] Oh, no, you won't. I will. Slithers, that is a lie. And what's another name for a lie? [hissing] A s-s-sin.
[present:]
Peg: Boy did that s-s-suck.

Mary: Brenda. Have you heard anything?
Brenda Sparks: Not yet.
Mary: Oh, what happened?
Brenda Sparks: Um, I- I ran into George at the bar, and... next thing I know, he started having chest pains.
Mary: [sighs] Well, thank the Lord you were there with him.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. I really didn't do anything.
Mary: Don't say that! Who knows what would've happened if you hadn't been there?
Brenda Sparks: [chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.