Mary: You're really making him live out there?
George Sr.: He's not gonna last one night in that nasty thing.
Mary: Have you seen that boy's room?

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: It's very... colorful.
George Jr.: Not just colorful. Patriotic.
Jana: It's also a little gross.
George Jr.: It just needs a little shampoo. But check out the best part. [pulls out bed] Want to try it out?
Jana: In front of your parents' house?
George Jr.: That's what's so great. We can drive it anywhere. Empty field, abandoned parking lot. Wherever love takes us.
Jana: [sniffs] What is that smell?
George Jr.: There was a mouse in the mini fridge.
Jana: Ew!
George Jr.: Did you hear me? There's a mini fridge!

Sheldon: Why would Paige get competitive over Bible trivia? She doesn't care about that.
Mary: Maybe she just wanted that bookmark.
Missy: Yeah. I wanted this "what would Jesus do?" slap bracelet. Ow.
Sheldon: I liked it better when she and I were making fun of everything.
Mary: You might have more fun if you participated, too.
Sheldon: Oh, I'll participate.
Mary: Great.
Sheldon: If Paige wants to go head-to-head on Bible trivia, she picked the wrong fact-filled atheist to mess with.
Mary: [quietly] Great.

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Paige: Look at these suckers trying to compete for a stupid bookmark.
Sheldon: They probably don't even know psalm 100.
Paige: Or what a book is.

Pastor Jeff: Now, for a psalm 100 bookmark, who can name the apostles? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc...
Pastor Jeff: Those are dwarves. Anyone else?

Paige: What do you think the prize is? We get to go home?
Sheldon: Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?
Paige: Yes.
Sheldon: I get that joke. [smirks]

Missy: Sing "Ice Ice Baby."
Pastor Jeff: Don't know it.
Missy: How about Paula Abdul?
Pastor Jeff: Nope.
Missy: Ooh! The Teenage Mutant Ninja theme.

George Sr.: Just go get your money back and buy a different car.
George Jr.: No.
George Sr.: Georgie, I'm not playing around.
George Jr.: Neither am I. I bought it with my own money, and you don't get a say.
George Sr.: As long as you live under my roof, I get plenty of say.
George Jr.: Fine. I'll move out.
George Sr.: And where you gonna go?
George Jr.: I'll live in the van.
George Sr.: [laughs] You know what? It was only a matter of time before you lived in a van. Have at it.
George Jr.: Scooby-Doo lived in a van, and he turned out fine.

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Biblenauts! [chuckles] Gather round. Now, who's ready to find space for Jesus in our hearts? [silence] I can't hear you!
Sheldon: Perhaps that's because space is a vacuum where sound doesn't travel.
Paige: Nicely done.
Sheldon: You're not the only rebel around here.
Pastor Jeff: I thought he had stamp camp.

Sheldon: Your mother lets you wear lipstick?
Paige: Of course not.
Sheldon: Interesting. Does she know you're leading a double life?
Paige: Grow up.
Sheldon: Why do you think you're rebelling against parental authority?
Paige: Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction to their divorce.
Sheldon: What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

Billy Sparks: This licorice tastes terrible.
Missy: It's plastic. You use it to weave a lanyard.
Billy Sparks: No, it's licorice.

George Sr.: George, your mother works for the church. This doesn't look good.
George Jr.: I don't know, looks pretty good to me.
George Sr.: [sighs] Please, listen to me.
George Jr.: Come on. If I drive Sheldon to college, he can sleep back there.
George Sr.: So, you saw that couch, and the first thought you had was, "My brother can sleep on that"?
George Jr.: Not my first thought.

George Jr.: Now, it needs a little bit of work, but once I'm done, it's gonna be amazing.
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: What do you mean? It's got low mileage, great stereo. Check this out. [opens side door] Look at all the room.
George Sr.: Hell no.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: This isn't a car. It's a motel room on wheels.
George Jr.: Is that how little you think of me?
George Sr.: [scoffs] Yes. Maybe less.

George Jr.: I did it. I bought a car.
George Sr.: Really? You got the Mustang?
George Jr.: I was fixing to, but then something else caught my eye.
George Sr.: You did something dumb.

Paige: So, why are you here? Do you believe in this stuff now?
Sheldon: No. Stamp camp got canceled. Further proof there is no God.

Sheldon: Why did your mom make you?
Paige: Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.
Sheldon: Why would you want to smoke?
Paige: To look older.
Sheldon: My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.

Mary: Come on, Shelly. It's a space theme. Isn't that fun?
Sheldon: Jesus was a carpenter, not an astronaut.
Missy: Maybe he built the rocket.
Sheldon: What would he use for fuel?
Missy: [distracted] Ooh, doughnut holes.

Librarian: Oh, sorry. It was canceled.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Librarian: Not enough interest.
Sheldon: Not enough interest in stamps? It's the fastest-growing hobby in people 70 and over according to Reader's Digest.

Adult Sheldon: Children everywhere are excited by summer vacation, and I was no exception. Because instead of vacation Bible school with my sister, I was headed to the local library for a fun-filled week of postal delights otherwise known as stamp camp.
Sheldon: In 1989, they released dinosaur stamps.
Missy: No one cares.
Mary: Come on, now. He's excited. And that gets my stamp of approval.
Sheldon: I'm using that. It's going to kill at stamp camp.