Meemaw: Don't worry! Meemaw's here! Everything's under control! Oh.
Sheldon: We haven't had dinner yet.
Meemaw: Really? (groans) I don't feel like cookin'.

Missy: How long are we supposed to sit here?
Sheldon: I don't know. She said don't move. She was very clear.
Missy: Hope I don't have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.

Missy: He even wrote me a note. "Eggs from your secret admirer. Billy."

Mary: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?
Missy: No. They're a gift.

Billy Sparks: Uh, hello, Mr. Cooper. Is Missy home?
George Sr.: Hello, Billy. No, she's at church.
Billy Sparks: I brought her eggs from my chickens.
George Sr.: I see that.
Billy Sparks: You can boil them or scramble them.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I like fried.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I don't like poached.
George Sr.: Okay. Thank you for your time. [hands over the eggs]
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Adult Sheldon: But I wasn't a good sport. At that moment, I vowed to come back the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

Pastor Jeff: So what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor Jeff: So you don't think science and religion can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts.
Pastor Jeff: I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. Even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor Jeff: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody. What a good sport.

Pastor Jeff: So you were saying?
Sheldon: You've confused possibilities with probabilities. According to your analogy, when I go home I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not. In what universe is that 50-50?

Pastor Jeff: Let's give him a hand, everybody.
Missy: What's happening?
Meemaw: Shelly's gonna eat him alive. [chuckles]

Mary: Shelly, put your hand down. [To Pastor Jeff] Sorry. Please continue.
Pastor Jeff: It's okay, Mary. It's Sheldon, right?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, Sheldon, why don't you come on up here and tell me how I'm wrong.
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Okay.

Pastor Jeff: Sometimes people say to me, "Pastor Jeff, how do you know there's a God?" And I say, "It's simple math. God either exists or he doesn't. So let's be cynical. Worst-case scenario, there's a 50-50 chance. And I like those odds.
Sheldon: That's wrong.

Missy: [running through the kitchen] I ate so much candy!
Meemaw: [gets up to leave] Okay. They're all yours.

Mary: Mom, we're home!
Meemaw: In here!
Mary: What's he doing up?
Meemaw: Losin'.
George Sr.: [firecracker pops] The hell is that?
Meemaw: I sent Georgie on a beer run, and tipped him with firecrackers.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Was I supposed to stiff him?

Adult Sheldon: Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

Sheldon: Do people know about this?
Meemaw: Sheldon, what's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.
Sheldon: Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?
Meemaw: You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

Sheldon: What? But you weren't happy.
Meemaw: I made you think I was unhappy.
Sheldon: But that's lying. You lied to your moon pie.
Meemaw: I bluffed my moon pie.

Meemaw: I'm gonna look at my cards again.
Sheldon: You're unhappy.
Meemaw: Which means?
Sheldon: You don't have good cards.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna see your nickel and raise you a quarter.
Sheldon: Quarter?
Meemaw: You can fold.
Sheldon: No. I have good cards, you have bad cards. I'm in. [revealing his cards] Nines and fives.
Meemaw: Mm. That's too bad. Three queens. You lose!

Meemaw: Hang on there a minute, moon pie. I want to teach you somethin'. Look at your cards, and then look in the mirror.
Sheldon: Hey, I'm smiling.
Meemaw: Uh-huh. And what does that tell me about your cards?
Sheldon: That I like them?
Meemaw: Attaboy. Now look at my face. Tell me what you see.
Sheldon: That you're old.
Meemaw: It's a good thing I love you.

Adult Sheldon: My father took pride in saying that he ran our house like a tight ship. The ship got a lot looser when my meemaw came over to babysit.