Meemaw: Why else would I have begged you and George to move back to Medford?
Mary: So you could be with your grandchildren.
Meemaw: And you.
Mary: Really?
Meemaw: Yeah. You're the only one of my children still talking to me.
Mary: No surprise there.
Meemaw: Besides, you raised yourself better than I ever could.
Mary: You actually believe that?
Meemaw: No, but it would help my cause if you did.

Meemaw: You think I didn't feel bad not being around more than I wanted to be?
Mary: Did you?
Meemaw: A little bit. I'm teasing, come on.

Meemaw: You ready to finish our conversation?
Mary: There's nothing to finish. I raised myself like a jungle child. End of story.

Mary: Now, come on, let's tuck you in.
Missy: I'm glad I don't have orange hair.
Mary: Me, too, baby.
Missy: I want to be more like Madonna.
Mary: Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause if you are, good job.
Missy: Why is she only like a virgin?
Mary: Good night!

George Sr.: You two share that bed, I'll take this one.
Sheldon: No.
George Jr.: Nuh-uh.
George Sr.: Come on, fellas, I'm the biggest. It makes sense that I get a bed to myself.
Sheldon: No.
George Jr.: Nuh-uh.
George Sr.: We'll flip for it. Georgie, call it.
George Jr.: Heads.
George Sr.: Not your day.
George Jr.: Dang it.
Sheldon: That looked like heads.
George Sr.: Go brush your teeth.

George Jr.: Dad, can we go to Reptile World?
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: They a got snake so big it can eat a whole chicken.
George Sr.: Oh, well, in that case, no.

Sheldon: The toilet was sanitized for my protection. I love this place.

George Jr.: Oh, dead crow. There ain't no doubt about that one.

Sheldon: Fine, the cat's name is Mittens.
George Jr.: Because he has little white feet?
Sheldon: Sure.
George Sr.: So, in this thought experiment, do you think Mittens is dead or alive?
Sheldon: There's no way of saying until you open the box.
George Jr.: Oh, come on.
Sheldon: Optimistically, I would choose to believe he's alive.
George Jr.: Yes!
George Sr.: Oh, thank goodness.

Sheldon: Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment. A cat in a box is exposed to poison, and is both alive and dead until it is observed.
George Jr.: So the cat's name is Schrodinger?
Sheldon: No.
George Jr.: Well, what's its name?
Sheldon: Its name doesn't matter.
George Jr.: It does if the cat was dead. Otherwise, what are you gonna put on his tombstone?
George Sr.: Not likely the cat's getting a tombstone.
George Jr.: It would in a pet cemetery.

Sheldon: Huh, both alive and dead, just like Schrodinger's cat.
George Sr.: I didn't know he had a cat.
Sheldon: You've heard of Schrodinger?
George Sr.: Sure. It's the kid from Charlie Brown who plays the piano. Lucy's got a crush on him.

Sheldon: This is a terrible driving game.
George Sr.: Is it roadkill if it's still twitchin'?

George Jr.: Dead armadillo. That's three for me.

Missy: Seriously, I'm melting.

Mary: I don't like you making me out to be the bad guy just 'cause I won't let my daughter do whatever she wants.
Meemaw: I gave you a lot of freedom, you turned out okay.
Mary: You didn't give me freedom. You were never around.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Mary: I guarantee I made supper for Charlene and Edward more times than you ever did. I basically raised 'em.
Meemaw: You think I was out dancing? I was out working two jobs so your daddy could lose all our money on that damn chain of Fotomats!
Mary: It wasn't Daddy's fault that those little things blew over every time there was a storm.

Missy: My head is so hot!
Meemaw: She is such a hoot.

George Jr.: You might want to open a window.
George Sr.: Oh, boy.

Sheldon: Did you always want to be a football coach?
George Sr.: Well, I always wanted to play. At least till I got hurt.
Sheldon: Mm. Were you a good player?
George Sr.: Eh, not really. I was just bigger than the other kids.
Sheldon: So you compensated for mediocrity by being large.
George Sr.: I guess.
Sheldon: That works for cattle as well.
George Sr.: Oh, well, thanks for pointing that out.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

Sheldon: Dad?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: Would you like to have a conversation?
George Sr.: Yeah. Sure. Absolutely.
Sheldon: All right, what would you like to talk about?
George Sr.: Um, well, let's see. Uh, have you given much thought to what you want to be when you grow up?
Sheldon: I have.
George Sr.: Great. ... And what would that be?
Sheldon: Oh, most likely a scientist. Unless I stay in Texas, then I'm thinking cattle baron.
George Sr.: Cattle baron?
Sheldon: Assuming I don't have to touch the cows.
George Sr.: Goes without saying.

Mary: Your hair's not changing color.
Missy: Aw.
Meemaw: Sorry, kiddo. Your mom is no fun.
Mary: Excuse me, I'm fun.
Missy: So I can color my hair?
Mary: Not a chance. But I'm very much fun.
Meemaw: Whatever you need to believe. Mein Fuhrer.