Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Herschel Sparks: Hey, uh, I hear congratulations are in order.
George Sr.: What's that you hear?
Herschel Sparks: Maybe I didn't hear it.
George Sr.: Never mind. It's all right. Seems like everybody knows.
Herschel Sparks: You don't seem terribly enthusiastic.
George Sr.: [sighs] It's the money, Herschel. It's all about the money.
Herschel Sparks: [sighs] Well, there's only one solution to that.
George Sr.: Which is?
Herschel Sparks: You got to make more money.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Herschel Sparks: Welcome.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George Sr.: That's weird.

Herschel Sparks: I appreciate that, but you got to know there's an upside to this.
George Sr.: And that would be?
Herschel Sparks: Your son has got a special gift.
George Sr.: A gift? We are talking about Georgie, right?
Herschel Sparks: Yeah. I mean, first off, the kid really knows his way around an engine, which is all well and good. But when it comes to fixing tires, I swear, I've never seen anything like him.
George Sr.: Tires? How do you mean?
Herschel Sparks: George, I've been patching flats for 25 years. You know, slap some soapy water on them, look for the air bubble. But your son, he doesn't need any tricks. He knows where the puncture holes are.
George Sr.: He knows?
Herschel Sparks: He knows. He's got a sixth sense for tire damage. I mean, you got to see him in action. It'll give you chills.
George Sr.: You know, now that you say it, whenever we had a leaky football, he knew exactly where the hole was.
Herschel Sparks: I am telling you, your boy's got a future in the tire business. Goodyear, Firestone, somebody's gonna scoop him up first round.

Herschel Sparks: Well, the kid was right. It's just the thermostat.
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah. So how long to fix it?
Herschel Sparks: Nothing, 20 minutes.
George Jr.: Can I help?
Herschel Sparks: Well, sure. Grab yourself a pair of coveralls and have at it.
George Jr.: Thanks.
George Sr.: Really? I'm paying you so my own son can fix my truck?
Herschel Sparks: Well, we could have my son do it, but we know how that's gonna end.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George, how y'all been?
George Sr.: Good, good. Hey, fixed your place up, looking snazzy.
Herschel Sparks: Ah, thanks. Even got a new water cooler. It's got those pointy cups, look like Madonna's bra.

Mary: My house is immaculate. George, tell them.
George Sr.: Uh, she does keep a nice house.
Herschel Sparks: Honey, it's a pretty good chance it was Bucky.
Brenda Sparks: Whose side are you on?
Herschel Sparks: Yours, always yours.

Herschel Sparks: Maybe he's teething. You know, when Billy was little, he chewed right through his playpen.
George Sr.: No kidding?
Herschel Sparks: Only had three teeth. Mostly gummed it.

Brenda Sparks: Where is that fat dumbass?
Herschel Sparks: Believe it or not, that means I'm gettin' lucky tonight.
George Sr.: Y'all have an odd relationship.
Herschel Sparks: Love is a mysterious thing.

George Sr.: You know, we should probably get our stories straight before we talk to our respective mates.
Herschel Sparks: Sure. What do you want to say?
George Sr.: How 'bout this? We had words, it almost got ugly, but we came to an understanding.
Herschel Sparks: I like that. You want to take a swing at me? Make it look real? I have a freakishly high tolerance for pain.
George Sr.: No, no. But you're sweet for offering.

Herschel Sparks: I feel bad about the whole thing with the kids.
George Sr.: Hey, it happens.
Herschel Sparks: I know, but Bobbi shouldn't be beatin' on Sheldon like that. It's not okay.
George Sr.: What's not okay is Sheldon gettin' beat up by a little girl.
Herschel Sparks: Well ... yeah.

Herschel Sparks: I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
George Sr.: Ooh! Your wife don't mind?
Herschel Sparks: She don't know. She's scared to death of chickens.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Herschel Sparks: Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.

George Sr.: Thanks for hearin' me out.
Herschel Sparks: Your wife sent you over here, didn't she?
George Sr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Herschel Sparks: I bet she did!
George Sr.: Not talkin' about it!
Herschel Sparks: Tell her I said hi!

Herschel Sparks: Anyway, how can I help?
George Sr.: Uh, well It's come to my attention that, uh, Sheldon's run into a bit of trouble with your daughter.
Herschel Sparks: What kind of trouble?
George Sr.: He says she been beating on him.
Herschel Sparks: My Bobbi?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Herschel Sparks: This one? The six-year-old? Bobbi, get over here! You realize I've taken dumps bigger than this kid.

Herschel Sparks: Well, howdy, neighbor.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: What brings you by? Chickens too loud?
George Sr.: Nah, they been fine.
Herschel Sparks: Good, good. Fried up the noisy one last week. That shut him up.

Herschel Sparks: I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more. Some point, he just got a taste for it.

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.