Adult Sheldon: That's the thing with pool balls and people. They are both... unpredictable.
Brenda Sparks: Hi, George.
George Sr.: Oh, hey, Brenda. What brings you out tonight?
Brenda Sparks: Just needed to get out of the house.
George Sr.: [sighs heavily] I hear that.
Brenda Sparks: You want some company?
George Sr.: Sure.

Meemaw: How'd that Daddy-daughter thing work out?
George Sr.: I'm not in the mood, Connie.
Meemaw: I told you not to go in there, but you knew better, didn't you?
George Sr.: I don't need your parenting advice.
Meemaw: Seems like you do.
George Sr.: I'm sorry. How many of your children still talk to you? Oh, that's right. Just Mary.

Mary: [enters] What's going on?
Sheldon: Missy tore my Professor Proton picture, and now Dad's yelling at me.
George Sr.: You yelled first. He yelled first.
Mary: [sighs] I'll take care of this.
George Sr.: You don't even know what happened.
Mary: Did she tear up his picture?
George Sr.: Well, yeah, she did.
Mary: Honestly, I can't leave this house for five minutes without everything falling apart.
George Sr.: I was handling it.
Mary: Obviously.
George Sr.: [sighs] You yelled first.

Mary: You really want to start this up again?
George Sr.: Wait, are you asking me what I want? Well, that's a first.
Mary: Oh, please, your whole life is doing whatever you want.
George Sr.: Oh, really?
George Jr.: I can just leave.
George Sr.: Did I want to get stuck coaching high school football? Did I want to live across the street from your mother? Did I want to spend my evening getting yelled at by my daughter and my son and my wife?
Mary: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so unhappy.
George Sr.: Because you never bother to ask.

George Sr.: What are you doing?
Mary: Look at me and tell me what you see.
George Sr.: What? Did you get a haircut? Looks great.
Mary: No, I didn't get a haircut.
George Sr.: 'Cause you don't need one. Looking good, babe.
Mary: Lord. Just tell me what you see when you look at me.
George Sr.: [sighs, mutters] I don't know what's going on, but this feels like a trap.
Mary: I went to the salon to get a haircut.
George Sr.: Knew it, looking foxy.
Mary: But I didn't get one because I don't know what I want.
George Sr.: [quietly] Oh. You know who's got good hair? Charlene Tilton.
Mary: Who?
George Sr.: That little blonde one on Dallas. People make a fuss over Victoria Principal, but Charlene Tilton...
Mary: You're not helping me, George.
George Sr.: I knew this was a trap.

George Sr.: That's a lot of fabric.
Mary: Oh, it's not just fabric. I also got pattern books and an accessory kit.
George Sr.: Can I ask how much that all cost?
Mary: Well, it's hard to say, because in the long run I'm gonna save us money.
George Sr.: Well, what did it cost in the short run?
Mary: I don't know, a hundred dollars?
George Sr.: A hundred dollars? What is wrong with you?

Mary: Good, because Brenda's having a rough time and I want to show her some fun.
George Sr.: Fun? [snorts] You?
Mary: Yes, me.
George Sr.: Sorry, that came out wrong.
Mary: I know how to have a good time.
George Sr.: Of course you do. That came out wrong, too.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Where you gonna take her?
Mary: Well, I haven't decided yet, but I did find a coupon to Muriel's Tea Room.
George Sr.: Ooh, tea room, that sounds like a blast. Boy, I am not good at this.
Mary: Whatever we end up doing, Billy's gonna be hanging here with Sheldon, so you need to watch them.
George Sr.: I'm happy to do that. That one sounded pretty good.

Coach Wilkins: You have a serving bowl I can put these in?
George Sr.: A serving bowl?
Principal Petersen: I didn't realize we were playing poker with Martha Stewart. [Mr. Givens laughs]
Coach Wilkins: I will make civilized men of y'all if it kills me.
Mr. Givens: I was just laughing 'cause he's my boss.
George Sr.: I'll get you a bowl.

George Sr.: Uh, hey, Billy. I thought you were playing computer games with Sheldon.
Billy Sparks: I got bored so I came out here.
George Sr.: Well, you want me to go get him?
Billy Sparks: No, I'm fine by myself.
Coach Wilkins: Where's my serving bowl?
George Sr.: Uh, hey, Wayne, this is Billy.
Coach Wilkins: Hey.
Billy Sparks: Hello.
George Sr.: His mama's the one Mary took out tonight.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, right.
George Sr.: Billy, you just make yourself comfortable, watch whatever you want and help yourself to the fridge.
Billy Sparks: Thank you.
Coach Wilkins: You can't just leave this kid by himself.
George Sr.: Why not?
Coach Wilkins: His father's gone. He's lonely.
George Sr.: [quietly] Well, what do you want me to do, invite him to play poker? [normal voice] Hey, Billy, why don't you come hang with us?

Mary: Do you have any plans Saturday?
George Sr.: Why? There a Church thing?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: I'm free.

Mary: I'm leaving soon. How do I look?
George Sr.: Good, actually.
Mary: Well, you don't have to sound surprised.
George Sr.: Well, it's nice you want to look good for Brenda Sparks.

Mary: What are you looking for?
George Sr.: Deck of cards.
Mary: Why? You gonna play with the kids?
George Sr.: Of course not. I-I invited the guys over for poker.
Mary: You're supposed to be babysitting.
George Sr.: They don't want me around. They're gonna be watching TV.
Mary: But do you really need to be gambling?
George Sr.: I thought you were trying to be fun tonight.
Mary: I am.
George Sr.: Well, this seems like a good place to start.
Mary: You have a nice time with your friends.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Mary: But so help me, if the house smells like cigars when I get home, you will not hear the end of it.
George Sr.: It's your first day being fun. Y-You keep trying.

Principal Petersen: Well, I know it's rough, but my old man left when I was around your age. What are you, about 16, 17?
Billy Sparks: I'm 12.
Principal Petersen: Damn.
George Sr.: You know, maybe he doesn't want to talk about this.
Coach Wilkins: Sometimes it's good to get stuff off your chest. My man's been through a lot. And we're here for you.
Billy Sparks: Thank you.
Mr. Givens: I'm gonna raise.
Principal Petersen: On the bright side, you could look after your mom now. That's what I did. Made a man out of me.
George Sr.: You know, Billy, sometimes these things are for the best.
Coach Wilkins: Why would you say that?
George Sr.: My parents had a bad marriage. Honestly, it... it was hard to be around.
Mr. Givens: Full boat, read 'em and weep. Come to papa. Sorry.

Adult Sheldon: I'm very much a creature of habit. Perhaps it's a trait I got from my father. Every night he would go through the mail, and every night, like clockwork, he would get very cranky.
George Sr.: Damn bills.
Mary: George.
Adult Sheldon: You'd think he'd get used to it, but night after night it upset him all over again.
George Sr.: Jury duty? Son of a...
Mary: George.
Adult Sheldon: It was complicated. I didn't like seeing him upset, but what can you do? I love consistency.

George Sr.: What the hell? Why are we getting audited?
Sheldon: What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"? Perhaps for a job well done?
George Sr.: We're being audited for the last three years of our tax returns. I don't get it. I mailed in that check a week ago.
Sheldon: About that. I can explain.
George Sr.: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I just needed some time to prove there were no errors in my work.
George Sr.: What did you do?
Sheldon: I took the check before Mom mailed it.
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: But I called the IRS and sorted things out.
George Sr.: Clearly you didn't. I told you to let it go.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
George Sr.: This could end up costing us a fortune.
Sheldon: I can fix it.
George Sr.: No. I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right.
Sheldon: But I want to help.
George Sr.: You've helped enough. Go to your room.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

George Sr.: So how's it look? Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money.
Nancy: Mm-hmm, I can see that. Who did these?
George Sr.: Why? Is it that bad?
Nancy: They're impeccable.
George Sr.: Oh... Actually, it was my son.
Nancy: Well, why don't you just use him for the audit?
George Sr.: He's 11.
Nancy: An 11-year-old did these?
George Sr.: Actually, he might've been nine at the time. I'm not good with birthdays.

George Sr.: Actually... I want you to represent us at the audit.
Sheldon: But I messed everything up.
George Sr.: You did. But I also know if anyone's smart enough to get us out of this, you are.
Sheldon: Why'd you change your mind?
George Sr.: No reason.
Sheldon: What did the accountant say?
George Sr.: Nothing.
Sheldon: They said my returns were perfect, didn't they?
George Sr.: Play with your trains.

Sheldon: I want to go home.
George Sr.: What are you talking about? We're not done yet.
Sheldon: Yes, we are. I made a mistake that's gonna cost us a lot of money that we don't have. I feel so stupid.
George Sr.: Hey. It's okay to feel stupid.
Sheldon: No, it's not.
George Sr.: It just means you're growing. If you don't look back and think you were dumb, then you, then you haven't learned anything.
Sheldon: So what do we do?
George Sr.: We get back in there.
Sheldon: What if we lose?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter... win or lose, we don't give up, all right? Now let's get in there and show 'em what we're made of... what do you say?
Sheldon: I've heard you give that exact same pep talk at football games.
George Sr.: Well, I didn't have a special one prepared.
Sheldon: That's all right. I feel properly pepped.

George Sr.: [to Meemaw] Hey, when you take the shuttle, bring hard candy. They gobble it up.

Tam: Well, thank you.
George Jr.: Hold on now. I ain't just givin' it away.
Tam: How much?
George Jr.: Five bucks.
Tam: It's worth it. If I get another B, my mom will kill me.
George Jr.: Hey, I don't just sell tests. I bring families together.