George Sr.: You never get any glory without a little pain. I know we've had our share lately, but we've got the pieces in place for next year. With your support, we're gonna make it happen.
Coach Wilkins: I think we can agree that our boys are in good hands here. So thanks for coming out. [claps] Go, Wolves.
Roy: I got a question.
George Sr.: Go ahead, Roy.
Roy: That game against Tyler. What in the hell were you thinking punting with a minute twenty-four on the clock?
Coach Wilkins: That's a fair question.
George Sr.: Sure is. That was a tough one. But our offense was giving up 30 pounds to everyone across the line. And we had a quarterback who had an uneasy relationship with... with holding onto the ball.
Floyd: So you're blaming our kids?
George Sr.: Well...
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No?
Coach Wilkins: No.
George Sr.: No.

Mary: Oh, before you open that, could you pick up Sheldon so I can get dinner on?
George Sr.: Do I have to?
Mary: I'm sorry. I guess I'll do all the parenting around here.
George Sr.: I'm having a hell of a day. Can I get five minutes' peace?
Mary: When do I get five minutes' peace? Honestly, can you just take this one thing off my plate? [phone rings]
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello?
Sheldon: Dad, my friends are playing Dungeons and Dragons. Can I please stay the night in my dorm room? I promise it's safe.
George Sr.: Fine with me.
Sheldon: Thank you. Bye. [hangs up] That was easy.
Mary: Who was that?
George Sr.: Sheldon. He's gonna stay the night in his dorm.
Mary: Why would you let him do that?
George Sr.: One more thing off your plate.

George Sr.: Where's the coffee?
George Jr.: I finished it.
George Sr.: When you finish a pot, you're supposed to make more.
Mary: Oh, is that the rule?
George Sr.: It is for him. Why are you reading my paper?
George Jr.: Well, pardon me for keeping up on events of the day.
George Sr.: Tomorrow's headline: Father Strangles Son.
George Jr.: Good luck. My horoscope says "things are looking up."

George Sr.: Look, they're great kids. A lot of heart. They were getting killed out there. It's a coach's job to know when to pull back.
Floyd: So your strategy is to surrender.
George Sr.: That's not what I'm saying.
Roy: You know who don't surrender? That new coach they got up at Carthage.
Floyd: You know he played for the Packers.
Roy: Mm-hmm.
George Sr.: Oh, come on. He played for two minutes and broke his collarbone, and that was his career.
Roy: Well, that's two minutes more than you played. [laughter]
George Sr.: [quietly to Coach Wilkins] Help me.
Coach Wilkins: Vince Lombardi never played for the pros.
Floyd: So now this clown is Vince Lombardi? [laughter]
George Sr.: I'm not Lombardi, but I don't need to put up with this crap.
Coach Wilkins: Wait. What I think we're all seeing is the passion that Coach Cooper brings to the field.
George Sr.: No, what you're seeing is me running out of patience. Meeting's over.
Floyd: Oh, there it is. The Cooper Surrender. [laughter]
Roy: The Cooper Surrender!
Floyd: Bye-bye.

George Sr.: [sighs heavily] Apparently, the football boosters think I'm not doing my job. Just 'cause they give a little money to the team...
Coach Wilkins: A lot of money.
George Sr.: They give some amount of money to the team.
Coach Wilkins: And the new scoreboard.
George Sr.: Okay. But I-I give my time, my talent, my sweat. You see any boosters out there doing two-a-day summer practice?
Coach Wilkins: I do not.
George Sr.: Damn right. If they really want to help, you know what they could do? Give birth to stronger, faster kids, 'cause theirs ain't cutting it.
Coach Wilkins: You know you're gonna have to talk to them, right?
George Sr.: [exhales] Yes.
Coach Wilkins: And you know you can't say that stuff about their kids, right?
George Sr.: Well, what if it comes up organically?
Coach Wilkins: Maybe I should come.
George Sr.: [scoffs] I'm not gonna insult their children.
Coach Wilkins: You sure?
George Sr.: Okay, come.

Mary: You did not just tell our son that he could stay the night by himself.
George Sr.: The campus is safe, and he's not by himself, he's with friends.
Mary: Friends that we don't know. What if there is alcohol?
George Sr.: Then they're gonna get a lot of fun facts about the history of fermented beverages.
Mary: I am serious.
George Sr.: So am I. How else would I know that monkeys get drunk by eating rotten fruit off the jungle floor?
Mary: He is not ready for this kind of situation.
George Sr.: Mary, he's a good kid. He's not gonna drink anything he shouldn't. And if he cared about peer pressure, he wouldn't wear a bow tie.

Mary: Guess who I ran into at the grocery store. Mr. Lundy.
Missy: Ugh, the weird theater guy?
Mary: He's not weird.
Sheldon: He's also a teacher, realtor, choreographer, ooh, and local celebrity.
Mary: He's actually not doing that stuff now. He is selling makeup. He's even got one of those pink Cadillacs.
George Sr.: Driving a pink car in Texas. Bold choice.

Sheldon: And the best news is it's only a four-and-a-half-hour bus ride away.
George Sr.: So you want me to ride on a bus for hours with a bunch of kids to a comic book convention?
Sheldon: It's mostly adults. Many are in costumes.
George Sr.: No.

Mary: Last chance. You can still come chaperone.
George Sr.: Hmm. All night in a church with a bunch of other people's kids.
Mary: And Pastor Jeff and Pastor Rob.
George Sr.: Ooh, two pastors? Well, that is hard to say no to, but let me give it a shot. No.
Mary: Your loss. Missy, tell Billy we're leaving in minutes!
Missy: [o.s.] Okay!
George Sr.: Billy's going, too, huh?
Mary: Yeah, of course.
George Sr.: And Brenda gonna chaperone?
Mary: She was less interested than you.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Oh, there's no way she's less interested than me.

George Sr.: I think I might know why those kids want to use his room.
Mary: Well, he said for studying.
George Sr.: They ain't studying.
Missy: Oh, now it makes sense.
Mary: You really think they're...
George Sr.: A bunch of college kids in an empty dorm room?
Mary: [sighs] Should we tell him?
George Sr.: I don't want to tell him. Do you?
Missy: I'll tell him.
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Oh, hang on, she volunteered.
Mary: No.

Mary: And if you're gonna take naps in your dorm, you might want an alarm clock.
George Sr.: And remember, no parties. [Sheldon is silent] That was a joke.
Sheldon: And now I know.

George Sr.: Hey, you better appreciate what you got. There's a lot of kids out there who have way less than you.
Missy: I guess.
George Sr.: You have your own room. I never had that growing up. And then I was in the barracks, and then I married your mother.
Missy: Dang. [chuckles]
George Sr.: Yeah. Tell me about it.
Mary: What happened to appreciating what you have?
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Missy: Can we watch 90210?
George Sr.: What's that?
Missy: It's about kids who go to school in Beverly Hills.
George Sr.: [groans] If you want to see a show about Beverly Hills, we should watch Beverly Hillbillies. [chuckles] That's a show.
Missy: What's it about?
George Sr.: Eh... Imagine your meemaw moving to California.
Missy: I'd watch that.

George Sr.: What, Billy won an award?
Brenda Sparks: Participation. Big whoop.
George Sr.: I guess it's something.
Brenda Sparks: Well, he ain't the sharpest pencil in the box, but he's the sweetest kid I know.
George Sr.: Well, Sheldon is the sharpest pencil. Sometimes I'd just like to shove his head in that box.

George Sr.: Hey, pretty lady.
Mary: Are you drinking already?
George Sr.: [laughs] No! Can't a guy give his wife a compliment?
Mary: Do I have to smell your breath?
George Sr.: How about a kiss instead?
Mary: What is with you?
George Sr.: Well, I don't know. Kids aren't home.
Mary: Now? I'm doing laundry.
George Sr.: Laundry can wait.
Mary: So can your thing.
George Sr.: I like to think of it as ourthing, but if you only have time for my thing, that's fine, too.
Mary: You're being weird.
George Sr.: Weird sexy?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Headed to the bedroom?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: Just checking. [sighs]

George Sr.: What are you doing?
Brenda Sparks: What do you mean?
George Sr.: [scoffs] You know what I mean.
Brenda Sparks: I was just trying to thank you. And you're the one who offered to come over here and fix things.
George Sr.: I was being nice.
Brenda Sparks: So was I.
George Sr.: Yeah, maybe a little too nice.
Brenda Sparks: There is no pleasing you.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need this here. I can get fighting at my house.
Brenda Sparks: Then maybe you should go back to your house.
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] Mom, can you help with my homework?
Brenda Sparks: There in a sec. [to George] You leaving?
George Sr.: You gonna fix the toilet?
Brenda Sparks: No.
George Sr.: Then I guess I'm not leaving.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. Lasagna?
George Sr.: Small piece. Mary's making tacos.

George Sr.: Look. I know you don't respect what I do as a coach.
Sheldon: Maybe you do know me.
George Sr.: But this is a thing I actually know about. I've seen it happen to my players. I've seen it happen to pros in golf. In baseball. The answer is always the same. Stop thinking and get out of your own way.
Sheldon: I don't know how to do that.
George Sr.: Have you ever heard the Nike slogan "Just do it"?
Sheldon: I'm familiar with the phrase "let's do it," uttered by Gary Gilmore, the last person to be executed by firing squad in America.
George Sr.: Okay, well, it's a shoe slogan. And it's good advice. The answer is already in your head. Don't think so hard. Just do it.
Sheldon: I'll try.
George Sr.: Good man.

Brenda Sparks: Who knew you were so handy?
George Sr.: Yeah. There's just things guys need to be good at.
Brenda Sparks: What else you good at? [water sputters]
George Sr.: I should go.

Alex Trebek: [on TV] Animated films. Frog anatomy. The Bible.
Missy: Why are you watching Jeopardy?
George Sr.: Sheldon's not the only one who likes to learn stuff.
Missy: You don't know where the remote is.
George Sr.: It's right here. It's just out of batteries.
Missy: Want me to get some?
George Sr.: A can of beer while you're up.

George Sr.: The point is, he didn't listen to us then, he's not gonna listen now.
Mary: So, we do nothing?
George Sr.: We let him make his own mistakes.
Mary: That just sounds like another way of saying we do nothing. I'm gonna go down there.
George Sr.: And that's a mistake I'm gonna let you make. [Mary sighs] [TV continues indistinctly] Missy! Batteries!