Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George Sr.: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George Sr.: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
George Jr.: I would pay to see that.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

George Sr.: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

George Sr.: I want to talk to you about this play.
Sheldon: I'm excited about it, too.
George Sr.: You know, if you play the part of a girl, people might make fun of you.
Sheldon: Mr. Lundy's trying to push the boundaries of drama in East Texas. One way to do that is cross-gender casting.
George Sr.: Let me rephrase that: if you play the part of a girl, people will make fun of you.
Sheldon: In Shakespeare's time, the men played all the female parts. No one made fun of it.
George Sr.: If Shakespeare went to public high school, it'd be a different story.

Sheldon: You know, Sandy Duncan plays the part of Peter Pan-
George Sr.: Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Mary: Why aren't you more upset about this?
George Sr.: I am. I just think we should proceed with caution.
Mary: Someone is hurting our son.
George Sr.: I understand. But handling bullies is tricky. It's easy to make things worse.
Mary: And what makes you the expert?
George Sr.: Honey, I was a bully.

Mary: How'd it go?
George Sr.: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.

George Jr.: What's Sheldon doing?
Mary: Cooking his own dinner.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: He wants to take care of himself like an adult.
George Jr.: I plan on putting that off for as long as possible.
George Sr.: Really? It's a plan?

George Jr.: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey.
George Jr.: You know how you think I can't do anything for myself?
George Sr.: I do think that, yes.
George Jr.: Well, I have something I'd like to show you.
George Sr.: You did some chores?
George Jr.: Come see for yourself.
George Sr.: I don't know if I'm ready for another heart attack, but here we go.

George Sr.: Morning, Herschel.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. Uh, you didn't see a dog wandering around here, did you?
George Sr.: No. Y'all get a dog?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, sort of. We took him in after my brother-in-law had to go live in a gated community.
George Sr.: Oh, that sounds nice, uh, they got a no pets policy?
Herschel Sparks: He's in jail, George.
George Sr.: Right, sure.

Meemaw: Maybe you could start out with a small pet, and work your way up. Like a turtle.
Mary: He says they carry salmonella.
Meemaw: A gerbil?
Mary: Apparently, they caused the plague.
George Jr.: What about a bird?
George Sr.: Oh, I know that one. They'll steal his hair to make a nest.

George Sr.: I'm proud of him for trying to overcome that damn dog phobia.
Mary: You should tell him that.
George Sr.: Well, if he ever leaves that bathroom, I will.

Meemaw: Can you believe he tried to win me back with a dinette set?
George Sr.: I'd give you a dinette set if you'd leave Texas.

George Sr.: He's gonna be fine.
Mary: You don't have to tell me that. I know he's gonna be fine.
George Sr.: If you believe that, why aren't you in bed right now?
Mary: Because this is the same boy who couldn't find his way out of that sleeping bag.
George Sr.: He made his way out. Just took him five or ten minutes.

Mary: This is so exciting. Don't you understand what this means?
George Sr.: Rather than me feel dumb, how about you just tell me?
Mary: These are parents we can actually relate to.
George Sr.: Yeah, sure.
Mary: All the times we wonder if we're doing right by Sheldon or how to handle him, we finally have someone to compare notes with.
George Sr.: There's notes? [CHUCKLES] I just been winging it.

Mary: So, Barry, uh, Linda tells me you're a dentist?
Barry: Uh, yes. I have a practice up in Jasper. Uh, Paige actually does some of the bookkeeping for us.
Mary: That's so funny. Sheldon does our taxes.
Linda: Oh!
Barry: Yeah, we used to pay her in stickers, but, this year, she actually started asking for money.
George Sr.: Well, don't let Sheldon hear that. We pay him in binder clips.

Mary: Hold on, hold on. Thank you, God, for this food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies, and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.
Missy: We're doing this at breakfast now?
Mary: Yes, I think it's a nice idea.
George Sr.: She's eating Count Chocula. Doesn't he play for the other side?
Mary: I'm so glad God blessed you with a sense of humor, George.

George Jr.: So when you gonna take me to get my learner's permit?
George Sr.: Georgie, you've heard us talking to Sheldon about asking questions at inappropriate times, right?
George Jr.: Yeah, so?
George Sr.: So, given what's happened this week, do you think it's an appropriate time to be talking about driving?
George Jr.: Why? 'Cause that girl died?
George Sr.: Yes, that.
George Jr.: For your information, I'd be an excellent driver.
George Sr.: I wouldn't trust you to push a shopping cart.

George Sr.: Why don't we just come clean?
Meemaw: All right, sure, we could do that. You could rat me out to Mary and I could tell her what you did at the church picnic.
George Sr.: Come on. Now you're just playing dirty.
Meemaw: We sink or swim together, George. We sink or swim together.
George Sr.: Grandmas are supposed to be nice. What went wrong with you?

Trang Nguyen: Hello.
George Sr.: Hi. You must be Mrs ... Tam's mom. I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
Trang Nguyen: Nice to meet you.
George Sr.: Thanks for letting him spend the night. It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm quite apprehens-
George Sr.: He's really looking forward to it.

George Sr.: It's all your mother's fault. She is a bad person. I've been telling you for years.