President Hagemeyer: Okay, so, what's the problem?
Sheldon: I wanted to talk with Dr. Linkletter about puberty.
Dr. Linkletter: And I wanted to avoid litigation.

Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I was hoping we could discuss puberty.
Dr. Linkletter: Then allow me to dash your hopes. No.
Sheldon: But I think I may be entering it, and I would like to talk about it, man-to-blossoming-young-man.
Dr. Linkletter: Wouldn't you rather talk to your father or a schoolmate or literally anyone else?
Sheldon: But you went through it once. Sure, it was a long, long time ago, but I'm assuming the basics haven't changed.
Dr. Linkletter: Hold that thought.

Dr. Linkletter: [on answer phone] Connie, Grant Linkletter. Wonderful seeing you tonight.
Meemaw: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Linkletter: Hope you enjoyed our little book club. If you'd ever like to discuss it further, I know the perfect Italian café. The cannolis are resplendent.
Meemaw: Resplendent! [chuckles] [machine beeps]
Dr. John Sturgis: [on answer phone] Connie! John Sturgis here.
Meemaw: What a surprise.
Dr. John Sturgis: It was so nice to have you at our book club. When it comes to science fiction, those things can be real sausage parties. Anyhoo, if you're free next week, I was wondering if you'd like to... [Meemaw skips to the next message]
Dr. Linkletter: Grant Linkletter again. If you don't like Italian, I also know a sublime Vietnamese spot. Have you ever tried Bún Boò Hue? [machine beeps]
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know why I said "sausage party." There was probably a better way to phrase that. [machine beeps]
Dr. Linkletter: Connie, Grant Linkletter...

Sheldon: Can we get back to the book?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, Connie, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it.
Meemaw: I think I've said my piece.
Sheldon: I have some thoughts.
Dr. Linkletter: And we'll get to those in due time. Don't you think Asimov did a remarkable job of capturing the poetic terror of the coming darkness?
Meemaw: I'm not sure I got that.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, listen to this. "Dusk, like a palpable entity, entered the room, and the dancing circle of yellow lights about the torches etched itself into ever-sharper distinction against the gathering grayness beyond." [Meemaw and John are silent]
Sheldon: Powerful.
Dr. Linkletter: Wasn't it?
[Meemaw shrugs her shoulders]

Dr. Linkletter: How rude of me, Connie. Can I offer you a beverage? Soda, water, Snapple?
Meemaw: I'm fine.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'd take a Snapple.
Dr. Linkletter: You know where the fridge is.

Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh, perhaps the cold dark matter we're looking for is not the axion but the majoron.
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's it? I just laid down some big boy science.
Sheldon: Sorry. We lost a great man today, and no one seems to care.
Dr. Linkletter: Asimov?
Sheldon: Yes, Asimov.
Dr. Linkletter: I told three people the news, and you know what they said?
Sheldon: "Who's that?"
Dr. Linkletter: Exactly. What's wrong with the world? The man's a legend.
Sheldon: I didn't know you were a fan.
Dr. Linkletter: Ever since I read The Naked Sun. I'll admit, I came for the naked, but I stayed for the interplanetary conspiracies.

Dr. Linkletter: This isn't exactly the firehouse I was expecting.
Sheldon: Are minors allowed in here?
Dr. Linkletter: No one should be allowed in here.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sure they have a phone we can use. Excuse me, barkeep? Could we get some help over here?
Dr. Linkletter: And don't say "barkeep."

Dr. John Sturgis: Does it go straight like this for a while?
Dr. Linkletter: It's Texas. Goes straight like this for the rest of our lives. You thinking of giving it a try?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, there aren't any cars around. Uh, seems like a good place to practice.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I could use a break.
Dr. John Sturgis: This is exciting. I'm all atingle.
Sheldon: You are not peeing in a bottle.

Dr. Linkletter: How about some music?
Sheldon: No one likes music. How about a car game?
Ooh, I have a fun one where I say a formula, and then you have to say another formula starting with the last letter or number that I said. So, for example, if I said, [Linkletter groans] "X" equals negative "B" plus or minus...
Dr. Linkletter: Music it is. [classical music plays]

Sheldon: When should we publish?
Dr. Linkletter: Not yet. There's only a three-sigma significance. It needs to be higher.
Dr. John Sturgis: That'd require a much more robust signal.
Dr. Linkletter: And you know what that means.
Dr. John Sturgis: Road trip to the super telescope?
Dr. John Sturgis: Road trip to the super telescope, baby.
Sheldon: When are we leaving?
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, right. You.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, who's it gonna be?
[cut to:]
Dr. Lee: Gentlemen, I'm Dr. Carol Lee, director of the new experimental cosmology center.
Sheldon: What makes you qualified to lead our project?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yeah.
Dr. Linkletter: Yeah.
Dr. Lee: Well, I have a PhD in physics from Berkeley, I worked at IBM's Watson Research Center as lead of the materials research group, and I raised three little boys, which I understand you've been acting like.
Dr. Linkletter: Sounds like she can handle it.

Dr. John Sturgis: The free-streaming length of the axion is too long. It'll erase the fluctuations.
Dr. Linkletter: You're completely forgetting that it is nonrelativistic dark matter.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.
Dr. Linkletter: I think your brain is as smooth as the top of your head.
Dr. John Sturgis: Low blow, Grant.
Sheldon: He's right, gentlemen, let's keep it to science.
Dr. John Sturgis: You'll never have the resolution to see microkelvin features.

Sheldon: So, spring break is just around the corner.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm counting the days.
Sheldon: Me, too. Have you reserved the lab yet?
Dr. Linkletter: Why would I do that?
Sheldon: Without the distraction of classes, you and I can really buckle down and get some work done.
Dr. Linkletter: I won't be here, Sheldon. It's my break, too.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm not telling you where I'm going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why not?
Dr. Linkletter: Because I'll be happy, and I want to stay that way. You're in college. You should be taking spring break as well.
Sheldon: And do what?
Dr. Linkletter: Traditionally, you would congregate with your peers and make bad decisions.
Sheldon: But I'm a kid.
Dr. Linkletter: Then perhaps a game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Geez, you really do need a break.

Dr. Linkletter: All right, Sheldon, time to turn in your test.
Sheldon: I'm not done yet.
Dr. Linkletter: [sighs] I know you like to add your own "better questions" at the end, but for the last time, I don't count them.
Sheldon: I just need a few more minutes on this problem.
Dr. Linkletter: That's an easy one. Just apply the zeroes of the Bessel function.
Sheldon: I know what I have to do.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this is a tantrum? I've heard children your age like to throw them.

Sheldon: So, how was it? Did any subcommittees get formed?
Dr. Linkletter: No, Sheldon, it was just a budget meeting.
Sheldon: Ooh, budgets, do tell.
Dr. Linkletter: Most of it was about reducing the gen-ed science requirement from eight credits to four.
Sheldon: But that's less science classes. Who would want that?
Dr. Linkletter: Apparently the administration, the students and their parents.
Sheldon: Did anyone try to stop it?
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Did it spark a heated debate?
Dr. Linkletter: Not really, no.
Sheldon: Were you at least annoyed?
Dr. Linkletter: Do I sound annoyed?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, there you go.

Sheldon: You see it, right?
Dr. Linkletter: That Dr. Sturgis was correct and I need to eat crow and go back to him?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Let's just give it another moment. [water gurgles]

Officer: Hey, pal, wake up.
Dr. Linkletter: [wakes up] What's happening?
Officer: You can't sleep there.
Dr. Linkletter: Right, sorry. Excuse me. You didn't happen to see a small bald man around here, did you? Possibly singing "Lollipop"?
Officer: What?
Dr. Linkletter: Never mind. [looks around] Where the hell am I?

Sheldon: So, will you talk to him?
Dr. Linkletter: Look, if he doesn't want to come back, I certainly can't force him.
Sheldon: But he's wasting his potential.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm just curious, if he were to come back, would you spend more time with him, and therefore less time with me?
Sheldon: I suppose so. Why?
Dr. Linkletter: No reason. Get out.

Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I need you to talk to Dr. Sturgis. He's wasting his time working in a grocery store.
Dr. Linkletter: Oh, then the rumor is true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: Good, I spread it heavily at the faculty mixer.
Sheldon: Well, please. He won't listen to me. I'm hoping you can talk some sense into him.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, he's a grown man. Perhaps in a little apron with a nametag... Is how I'm picturing it.
Sheldon: That's exactly right.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent.

Meemaw: So what's with the box?
Sheldon: The experiment needs to be in complete darkness to work.
Dr. Linkletter: We watch these monitors for the results. Okay, all that's left is to turn on the cameras. Sheldon, will you get the lights?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Meemaw: Is that to make it more dramatic?
Dr. Linkletter: It's so that we can better see the flashes on the monitor. But a little drama never hurts. [Meemaw chuckles]