Meemaw: Will you keep an eye on 'em?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I'll try, but if they start running, you may never see them again.

Dr. John Sturgis: Boy, this brings back some memories.
Sheldon: How come?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, when I was your age, I was also taken to a university to be studied.
Sheldon: Because they thought you were really smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: Because they thought I was clinically insane.

Dr. John Sturgis: Clever girl. That would accentuate her buttocks!

Dr. John Sturgis: He's like a young version of me, but without corrective shoes.

Sheldon: How come you never mentioned she was coming to this class?
Dr. John Sturgis: I thought it would be a fun surprise.
Sheldon: I don't like surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Neither do I.
Sheldon: Then why did you do it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Some people like surprises.
Paige: I love surprises.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you enjoy this one?
Paige: Yes.
Dr. John Sturgis: A 50% success rate. Not bad.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Mary. This is John Sturgis, Sheldon's professor and your mother's lover.
Mary: Hi. And "John" was more than enough.

Dr. John Sturgis: I was calling because there's a new student in my class who's Sheldon's age.
Mary: No kidding.
Dr. John Sturgis: Her mother wondered if I could put you two in contact since you have so much in common.
Mary: Oh, of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. I'll give you the number when you're ready.
Mary: Um, I am ready.
Dr. John Sturgis: 409-356-6049.
Mary: John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes?
Mary: That's my number.
Dr. John Sturgis: [LAUGHS] So it is!

Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know that there's a type of vanilla flavoring derived from the anal glands of the North American beaver?
Meemaw: That seems like a fact you could have shared before we started eating.
Dr. John Sturgis: It isn't used very often. I understand it's difficult to, uh, milk the little sacs.
Meemaw: Cool. Okay, new topic.

Dr. John Sturgis: See, this is why we're great together. You teach me about social etiquette, and I teach you about beaver anuses.
Meemaw: [CHUCKLES] It is magical.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did you know "ani" is also acceptable as the plural of "anus"?
Meemaw: And the magic continues.

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, does anyone know what happens to quarks when we combine them to make mesons and baryons? Yes, Paige.
Paige: We can ignore the particle masses at the individual quark level.
Dr. John Sturgis: Correct. You are really- [remembering Meemaw's warning] That was correct, Paige. And, Sheldon, is that a new bow tie?
Sheldon: It is.
Dr. John Sturgis: Lookin' sharp!
Sheldon: Thanks.
Dr. John Sturgis: That was a close one.

Meemaw: I have only seen you eat vanilla ice cream for dessert. Why is that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I've taken a page from the great physicist Richard Feynman. In order to have one less decision in his life, he decided that dessert would always be chocolate ice cream.
Meemaw: Sounds like it could get kind of boring.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it does. But over the last 35 years, I believe I've saved at least a day and a half.

Meemaw: Well, you have to let me cook for you sometime.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I enjoy cooking for you. It's a means of expressing my affection. It also allows me to control the amount of garlic, which gives me the burps.
Meemaw: Well, I do make a mean barbecue, and I promise I can make it garlic-free.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Next time, you can express your affection for me.

Dr. John Sturgis: Question will we be engaging in coitus tonight? Because I believe I pulled a hamstring on the bike ride over.
Meemaw: Why didn't you say something?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I was trying to display machismo, but it's becoming more and more clear that there's something askew in my groin.
Meemaw: Oh, John we don't have to do anything. We can just be together.
Dr. John Sturgis: Thanks. But if it's all the same to you, I'd like to give it the old college try.

Meemaw: I'm warning you, once you try my barbecue, it will ruin you to all the others.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's what happened to me with quilted toilet paper. Once I tried the good stuff, everything else felt like a Brillo pad.
Meemaw: You paint quite the picture, don't you?

Meemaw: Okay. I guess you could say one of my former boyfriends is trying to win me back with furniture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh. Impressive. This is real oak. Was that him on the phone?
Meemaw: Yes. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting.
Meemaw: What?
Dr. John Sturgis: Being challenged by another man is making you more attractive to me.
Meemaw: I don't follow.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'll have to do some research, but I'm guessing this is a genetic instinct that's raising my libido.
Meemaw: I need a drink.

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me. I'm looking for Ira.
Ira Rosenbloom: At your service. What can I do for you?
Dr. John Sturgis: You, sir, have overstepped your bounds.
Ira Rosenbloom: I'm sorry, what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Miss Constance Tucker made it clear your courtship was no longer welcome, and you responded with six chairs, a table, and an expansion leaf.
Ira Rosenbloom: Who are you?
Dr. John Sturgis: John Sturgis, the man she chose and your romantic rival.
Ira Rosenbloom: I-I'm sorry, wait, what-what is it you want from me?
Dr. John Sturgis: I want you to give up your pursuit of Connie.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave my store.
Dr. John Sturgis: Very well. The line in the sand has been drawn. Cross it at your own peril.
Ira Rosenbloom: Weirdo.
Dr. John Sturgis: What was that?
Ira Rosenbloom: You heard me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Sir, I am a man with feelings. And you have hurt them.

Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.

Dr. John Sturgis: Now, give me your best price on one of these with a cup holder.

Meemaw: And how I handle Ira is my business!
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I hope you do it gently. He's very vulnerable these days.
Meemaw: You're friends now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I wouldn't say friends, but I could see, over time, you know, we might-

Sheldon: Are you two fighting?
Meemaw: No.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good. I was almost certain that we were.
Meemaw: We are.
Sheldon: I'm confused.
Dr. John Sturgis: Me, too.