Dr. Linkletter: Although I suppose, based on your premise, we could calculate the stress-energy tensor for each.
Adult Sheldon: It turned out their antagonism was the key to their success.
Dr. John Sturgis: ...find an experiment to distinguish them.
Dr. Linkletter: While derivative, I'll admit your point does have some merit.
Dr. John Sturgis: Of course it has merit, you... you...
Sheldon: [whispers] Big, pink Sasquatch?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Good. [normal voice] You big, pink Sasquatch!

Dr. Linkletter: So what does it all mean, John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe you should ask someone who isn't drinking on a park bench. [both chuckle]
Dr. Linkletter: You work your whole life. It all seems so important at the time, but is it?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a good question. It puts me in mind of, uh, Camus' The Myth of Siphisus... Siphaphis...
Dr. Linkletter: Sisyphus.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's the guy. Every day he rolled the rock up the mountain, and every day it rolled back down.
Dr. Linkletter: That's what it seems like. But you escaped. You stopped rolling that rock.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's what I thought. But every single bag of groceries I fill, there's another one right behind it.

Dr. Linkletter: So what do we do about it?
Dr. John Sturgis: We sing.
Dr. Linkletter: What do we sing?
Dr. John Sturgis: [sings] ♫ When you're too old to work ♫ ♫ And you're too young to die ♫ ♫ Who will take care of you? ♫ ♫ How will you get by? ♫ ♫ When you're too old to work ♫ ♫ And you're too young to die ♫ ♫
Dr. Linkletter: I don't think I know that one.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. Do you know "Lollipop"?

Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm here to convince you to come back to the university. A mind like yours needs to be working on the advancement of science.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I did that for 50 years. Now I'm content just keeping these cucumbers crunchy.
Dr. Linkletter: But exciting new things are happening in string theory. Don't you want to be a part of that?
Dr. John Sturgis: Wasting years scrambling away at the academic hamster wheel? Constantly worried that your life's work is just one big dead end?
Dr. Linkletter: Sure, some paths of research may not pan out, but we still have to try, right?
Dr. John Sturgis: Do we?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course.
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know. Einstein spent the last 30 years of his life on the grand unified field theory and got nowhere.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I wouldn't say nowhere, but I suppose he never did crack it.
Dr. John Sturgis: And to this day, no one has.
Dr. Linkletter: True.
Dr. John Sturgis: In fact, most of his major accomplishments occurred when he was a young man, which you and I most certainly are not. [chuckles]
Dr. Linkletter: Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think, "Who is that?"
Dr. John Sturgis: Would you like to give these cucumbers a spritz?
Dr. Linkletter: No, thank you. Do you sell liquor here?

Sheldon: But why are you wasting your time here when you could be doing science?
Dr. John Sturgis: I told you, I'm happy here.
Sheldon: How could you be happy? You have a doctorate in physics, and you're sticking labels to a case of beans.
Dr. John Sturgis: I had to work here a month before they let me use this thing. And yet, I could go buy a real gun on my lunch break. Ha! Texas, huh?
Sheldon: But don't you miss trying to unlock the secrets of the universe?
Dr. John Sturgis: Sheldon, I spent my life chasing theoreticals. Here, I have tangible accomplishments and I get to listen to relaxing Top 40 music. Do you know this band, Air Supply? They're terrific. [sings] ♫ I'm all out of love ♫ ♫ I'm so lost without you ♫ ♫ I know you were right ♫ ♫ Believing... ♫

Dr. John Sturgis: So how come you're here tonight? Were you too drunk to ride your bike home, too?
George Jr.: My father's mad 'cause I dropped out of school.
Dr. John Sturgis: [chuckles] Ironic. Sheldon's upset 'cause I'm not going back to the university. Look at us. A couple of dropouts.
George Jr.: Don't you have a PhD?
Dr. John Sturgis: Two, but I was trying to find common ground over which we could bond.
George Jr.: All right. You wouldn't believe the day I had. My dad kicked me out. My girlfriend broke up with me. And now I got to find a second job.
Dr. John Sturgis: I drank hooch on a park bench and sang "Lollipop." It was tremendous.
George Jr.: I think I saw you. Were you with some other guy?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes.
George Jr.: What happened to him?

Dr. John Sturgis: So, what brings you here?
Sheldon: Well, I did something wrong, and yet I've received no punishment. What's my incentive to behave morally if the rules of society aren't being enforced?
Dr. John Sturgis: Reminds me of the Ring of Gyges.
Sheldon: I'm not familiar with the Ring of Gyges.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, it's a delightful brainteaser. Plato asked the question: If you could wear a ring that made you invisible, what would prevent you from committing the most horrendous crimes?
Sheldon: Sounds an awful lot like the Ring of Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I'm not familiar with The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: Oh, it's a delightful series of fantasy books in which there's a ring that makes the wearer invisible but also leads to moral corruption.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ooh. Perhaps you should read Plato, and I should read The Lord of the Rings.
Sheldon: You should really start with The Hobbit.
Dr. John Sturgis: What's a hobbit?
Sheldon: It's a race of short humanoids who live in burrows and have hairy feet.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. I've been called that. But I never knew what it was.

Sheldon: I still don't understand why you'd rather work here than be a physicist.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm enjoying the change of pace. And they let me take home all the expired food I want.

[fantasy:]
Missy: Daddy, I'm scared.
George Sr.: It's okay, baby.
Mary: We need to pray right now.
George Jr.: You do that. I'm having a beer.
Mary: Oh, everybody hold hands. Heavenly Father, watch over us...
Sheldon: I don't want to spend my last moments on Earth praying.
Meemaw: Yeah, if we only got a few minutes left, I want to spend it talking to y'all. You are all the light of my life. And I love you so much. [crashing outside]
Missy: Daddy. [hugs George]
George Sr.: Oh, I got you. I'm not letting go. I never said it enough, but I love y'all. Kids, you have made me a very proud father.
Sheldon: I'm not ready. There are so many things I want to do.
George Jr.: Well, you better pick one right now.
Sheldon: [panting] O-Okay, um... [hugs Mary]

Missy: Is that really what would happen if there was a black hole?
Dr. John Sturgis: One of the possibilities.
Meemaw: Are they all such a bummer?
Sheldon: Not necessarily. There's a theory that an event like that could open a wormhole into an alternate universe.
George Sr.: So what goes on in an alternate universe?
Sheldon: Anything, really. It could be slightly different from this one or the complete opposite.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true.
George Sr.: So if a black hole transports us to an alternate universe, w-would we even know it?
Dr. John Sturgis: Probably not.

Dr. John Sturgis: I've been doing science all my life. [stammers] It's time for something else.
Meemaw: Like what?
Dr. John Sturgis: Maybe scrimshaw? That's, uh, carving art into whale bone.
Meemaw: You really want to spend your day carving a whale bone?
Dr. John Sturgis: I don't know what else I'd do with it.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, you're a scientist. This is just silly.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie... I'm 72 and just lost my dream job. [chuckles] Right now, uh... I think I need to, uh... take a step back.
Meemaw: The Texan in me wants to say get back on the horse. But I won't.

Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary.
Mary: Hey, John. What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I lost my job. So while I'm figuring things out, I'm a bag boy. Although at my age, "boy" is pushing it. [laughs]
Mary: Aren't you a little... [whispers] overqualified?
Dr. John Sturgis: [whispers] Very.
Mary: Hey, why don't you join us for dinner this weekend. Sheldon would love to see you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Man: [over P.A.] Cleanup on aisle two.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's me. Madge, can you finish up here? I have a date with a mop. [chuckles] [walks away]
Mary: [to Madge] He's really smart.

[fantasy:]
George Sr.: Tornado this time of year?
George Jr.: There's not a cloud in the sky.
Reporter: [on TV] Information is still coming in, but a black hole has been detected in Waxahachie, Texas.
Mary: Oh, my Lord.
Reporter: Sources report it was caused by the supercollider. The black hole is growing exponentially across Texas, destroying everything in its path. This is an emergency situation. Repeat, this is an emergency situat... [static]
Meemaw: John, what do we do?
Dr. John Sturgis: There's nothing we can do.
Sheldon: He's right. It's going to create a gravitational field that'll consume everything around it.
George Sr.: Should we evacuate?
Dr. John Sturgis: We can't. We could never outrun it.
George Jr.: Well, how much time do we have?
Dr. John Sturgis: Minutes, at best.

[fantasy:]
Meemaw: John, I'm sorry, I don't mean to push, but I just, I worry about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: You do?
Meemaw: Of course. You know I care about you.
Dr. John Sturgis: That means a lot. The truth is, if I could live in an alternate universe, I'd live in one where we never broke up. I hope it's okay to say that.
Meemaw: It is. Because I wish it, too.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, Connie.
Meemaw: Oh, John.
[reality:]
Meemaw: John? John?
Dr. John Sturgis: Huh?
Meemaw: If you could live in an alternate universe, what would it be?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I haven't really given it any thought.

Meemaw: Thank you for walking me home.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's the gentlemanly thing to do. Although to be honest, if we were attacked, I'd be counting on you to get us out of it. [Meemaw chuckles]

[fantasy:]
Missy: And I just want to say I'm sorry for any time I was bad and any time I was mean to Sheldon.
Mary: It's okay.
Missy: It's just so funny when he's upset. But I'm still sorry about it.
George Jr.: I'm sorry, too. Dad, I've been awful, especially to you.
George Sr.: No, you haven't.
George Jr.: I have.
George Sr.: Well, we're good. [they hug]
Mary: Okay, we are done talking. I love you all, but it is really time to pray.
All: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.

Meemaw: Well, this is me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Guess I'll be seeing you next time you go shopping?
Meemaw: [chuckles] I look forward to it.
Dr. John Sturgis: Connie?
Meemaw: Yeah?
Dr. John Sturgis: Tuesdays are double coupons.
Meemaw: Good to know.

[fantasy:]
Dr. John Sturgis: [Southern accent] To us, it'd be as normal as boots on a cowboy.
George Jr.: That is wild.
Missy: Dr. Sturgis is correct. If indeed we grew up in another universe, our sense of normality would be formed by that universe.
George Sr.: That's enough. There are no other universes. The Bible tells us God created the Earth, not the Earths.
Mary: Ugh, why did I have to marry a preacher?
George Sr.: Because it was God's will to bless us with union.
Mary: I hope it's his plan that I hit the clubs tonight, 'cause that's gonna happen. [laughs]
Sheldon: Why am I the only normal one in this family?
Missy: If you're the only normal one, statistically speaking, you're abnormal.
George Jr.: [chuckles] Freak.

Meemaw: So how's everything going with your supercollider?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, up until Wednesday at 6:43, wonderful.
Meemaw: What happened at 6:43?
Dr. John Sturgis: That's when they fired me.
Meemaw: What? Why did they fire you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Eh, probably because of what happened at 6:14.
[flashback:]
Reporter: So, Dr. Sturgis, what would you say to local residents who are concerned about the supercollider's safety? Is there a chance that Waxahachie could be the next Chernobyl?
Dr. John Sturgis: Absolutely not. The supercollider is very different from a nuclear power plant. This can't melt down. The worst it could do would be to create a microscopic black hole.
Reporter: And what would that do?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, it's unlikely, but, uh, it could grow until it swallowed up the entire Earth. And possibly the Moon. Next question.

Adult Sheldon: [v.o.] I never cared for surprises. My meemaw, on the other hand, thought they were "a hoot." And it's a good thing, because instead of finding the paper on her doorstep, she found... [doorbell rings]
Meemaw: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Dr. John Sturgis: I wanted to surprise you.
Meemaw: Mission accomplished.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, good.