Mary: [on the phone] Hey, Brenda. It's Mary.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey.
Mary: So, we got Missy's invitation to Billy's party.
Brenda Sparks: Great. Hope she can make it.
Mary: But Sheldon's didn't arrive for some reason. Maybe it got lost in the mail?
Brenda Sparks: It didn't get lost.
Mary: What are you saying?
Brenda Sparks: I think you know what I'm saying.
Mary: So Sheldon isn't invited?
Brenda Sparks: See? You knew. Bye. [hangs up]

Brenda Sparks: That toilet won't stop running.
George Sr.: Have you tried jiggling the handle?
Brenda Sparks: I jiggled it, wiggled it. Damn near had a baby with it.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah, let me take a look.
Brenda Sparks: I was fixing to put some dinner on, if you care to join me.
George Sr.: I don't want to put you out.
Brenda Sparks: It's just frozen lasagna. But I'm going oven instead of microwave, 'cause you're company.

Brenda Sparks: Hey, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Brenda. Love the haircut.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. I was always afraid to go short, but I figured I already lost a husband. What's a few inches off the top?
Mary: Well, you look like a new person.
Brenda Sparks: I feel like a new person. I just needed to do something for me. It was either this or get a tattoo on my thigh.
Mary: I think you made the right choice.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I guess. I mean, who's seeing me naked these days?
Mary: Well, I wouldn't know.

Mary: Anyway, I just wanted to check in and see how you're holding up.
Brenda Sparks: Working extra hours, being a single mother. Living the dream.
Mary: Want me to give you a hand straightening up?
Brenda Sparks: Sure. You got a bulldozer?
Mary: Maybe we just need to get your mind off things. Why don't we go out this weekend, have a girls' night?
Brenda Sparks: Really? Mary Cooper's gonna show me a fun night on the town?
Mary: Yes.
Brenda Sparks: Where we going... bingo at the church?
Mary: Not anymore. [chuckles]

Brenda Sparks: Billy's a sweet kid. But these middle schoolers are gonna eat him alive.
Mary: You don't know that. Maybe they'll be nice.
Brenda Sparks: Boy, if we were in middle school right now, I'd have your head in a toilet so fast.

Meemaw: Sounds like you and George had a crazy night, huh?
Brenda Sparks: What? No, we didn't.
Meemaw: He has a heart attack, and you get him to the hospital. That wasn't crazy?
Brenda Sparks: No.
Meemaw: Well, thank God you were with him.
Brenda Sparks: Well, I-I wouldn't say I was "with him."
Meemaw: You weren't?
Brenda Sparks: I was there, and he was there, and other people were there.
Meemaw: Okay. [chuckles]
Brenda Sparks: You know, I'm just glad that he's doing better.
Meemaw: Mm. Yeah. Well, it's good seeing you.
Brenda Sparks: You, too.
[Brenda rushes down an aisle with her shopping cart before stopping to look back at Meemaw]

George Sr.: Okay, give her a go.
Brenda Sparks: [engine starts] You're a lifesaver.
George Sr.: It's a gift.
Brenda Sparks: Can I offer you a beer and some thank-you cobbler?
George Sr.: Weren't you on your way somewhere?
Brenda Sparks: Weight Watchers. [George laughs] What do you say?
George Sr.: Eh, sure. Do guys ever go to those Weight Watchers meetings?
Brenda Sparks: Yeah, but they're all fat.

George Sr.: Where's your trash?
Brenda Sparks: Everywhere. But the basket's under the sink.
George Sr.: Mm. [exhales] You know your faucet's leaking?
Brenda Sparks: Yep, this whole place is falling apart.
George Sr.: Well... I'll come over another time, and take care of it.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. You know, you don't have to do that. One more?
George Sr.: I should get going.
Brenda Sparks: Well, thanks again. [the door handle comes off in George's hand] Want to buy a house?

Brenda Sparks: What do you want?
Mary: I baked you a pie.
Brenda Sparks: Why?
Mary: Well, I was thinking we haven't had the best history as neighbors.
Brenda Sparks: That's 'cause we don't like each other.

Mary: And if you order right now, I'll throw in some extra concealer for half off.
Brenda Sparks: I mean, this is just allergies. Does it look like I've been crying?

Brenda Sparks: [on the tannoy] Connie Tucker to the front desk, please. Connie Tucker.
Mary: Why are you calling her?
Brenda Sparks: You say my daughter's harassing your son. Well, her daughter's harassing me.

Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. You smoke?
Mary: What? No.
Brenda Sparks: Then your face is on fire.
Mary: It's just the one. I'm going through a rough patch.
Brenda Sparks: What happened? The bookmark fall out of your Bible, and you lost your place?
Mary: No.
Brenda Sparks: You run out of room on your fridge for Sheldon's perfect report cards?

Brenda Sparks: You win. Hope you're happy.
Mary: This was never about winners and losers.
Brenda Sparks: Two kids means two gifts. And no Play-Doh, he'll just eat it.

Mary: Sheldon and Billy are friends. My son should be at his party.
Brenda Sparks: [sigh] Look, I'm not trying to be mean here. Billy has a tough enough time with other kids without them seeing him pal around with the local weirdo.
Mary: I thought you weren't trying to be mean.
Brenda Sparks: That was the nicest way I could say it.

Billy Sparks: Mom, I'm bleeding again!
Brenda Sparks: You know what, Mary? I appreciate it, but this isn't a great time. Bobbi stabbed Billy in the leg with a fork.
Mary: Good Lord. Is he okay?
Brenda Sparks: It was a plastic fork, but it broke the skin pretty good.
Mary: Oh, okay, I-I understand.
Brenda Sparks: How about I take that pie and give you a rain check?
Mary: Um, sure-
Billy Sparks: I think there's mustard in the fork holes!
Brenda Sparks: Got to go.
Mary: You can keep the pan!

Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to check in and see how Sheldon's doing.
George Sr.: He'll be fine. It's just a little fracture.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. Poor kid. Please know we feel terrible.
George Sr.: Eh, accidents happen.
Brenda Sparks: Hey, speaking of accidents, which this clearly was, insurance covers everything, right?
George Sr.: If you're worried about me sending you a bill, don't be.
Brenda Sparks: Wasn't worried. I just wanted to bring you some food as a peace offering and promise it will never happen again.
George Sr.: Well, thanks. [lifts up the foil] Ooh, fried chicken.
[After George gets a concerned look on his face, he looks over at Brenda and points to the plate of fried chicken]
Brenda Sparks: Never again.

Mary: How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Not much better.
Mary: Oh.
Brenda Sparks: In Spanish class, every time the teacher said "Sí," Billy said, "See what?"
Mary: Oh, Billy.
Brenda Sparks: I know, but if I don't laugh about it I'll cry.
Mary: I'm sorry.

Brenda Sparks: How did Missy do?
Mary: I think Missy had the best day of her life.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, thank God. Tell me everything.
Mary: Well, in one class she sits between her friends, so the note-passing goes through her.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna get the dirt firsthand. That's huge.
Mary: And then an eighth-grade boy talked to her at lunch.
Brenda Sparks: On the first day?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna be prom queen. I'm calling it.
Mary: That's fun, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, it'll be a miracle if Billy even makes it to high school. Don't take this away from me.
Mary: Missy is gonna look so cute in that tiara.
Brenda Sparks: Yes, she is.

Brenda Sparks: How do we know that your son didn't lure Bucky in to perform weird science experiments on him?

Mary: George! You are not gonna believe this. Look. Their dog left a dead squirrel in our living room.
Herschel Sparks: Well, he is part hunting dog. I think that means he likes you.
Mary: I'm not interested in winning his affection. I'm interested in keeping dogs and rodents outside of my home.
Brenda Sparks: Well, now, hold on. How do we know it was Bucky that left that squirrel in your house? Maybe that squirrel was already there.
Mary: Why else would a dead squirrel be in my living room?
Brenda Sparks: I don't know what kind of house you keep.