Adult Sheldon: As you can see, sometimes a person can be both incredibly intelligent and full of baloney.

Adult Sheldon: Of all the afflictions that can befall a child, one reigns supreme. Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts, nothing strikes fear into the hearts of kids around the world like a splinter.

Adult Sheldon: In 1989 the Milton Bradley Company had dozens of board games on the market, but only one where you were the doctor. Operation came complete with a red light-up nose, 13 plastic body parts for players to remove and, most importantly, one pair of genuine tweezers. My sister performed a medical procedure using a children's board game, while I bravely sat very still. I guess you could say there were two heroes that day.

Adult Sheldon: I've been called a germophobe, but I do find a single sneeze acceptable. It could be caused by dust, allergies. Really, whatever nasal irritant floats your boat. However during flu season a second sneeze means a plague is upon the land, and it's every man for himself.

Adult Sheldon: Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?

Adult Sheldon: Enjoy this. It is, by far, the most athletic two minutes of my entire life.

Adult Sheldon: As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus.

Adult Sheldon: Power has always been a deadly narcotic, and in 1989, RadioShack's Tandy 1000 SL was my drug of choice. With an Intel 8086 running at eight megahertz and a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy drive, there was nothing I couldn't do. From adding snazzy graphics to my homework-
Sheldon: So snazzy.
Adult Sheldon: To easily alphabetizing my list of enemies and their crimes.
Sheldon: So easy.

Adult Sheldon: Georgie married his first wife at 19. He never paid my father.

Adult Sheldon: The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home. Thankfully, it came pre-loaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Adult Sheldon: My mother didn't believe in elves, fairies, or dragons. But she did believe in the devil. And she did not view him as an appropriate playmate for her son.

Adult Sheldon: I never heard from One and Zero again. Although, I was once visited by Nine when I had chickenpox. He was a lot less funny than he thought he was.

Adult Sheldon: As you can see, even as a small child, people cherished having me around and wept over my absence.

Tam: So you leave tomorrow?
Sheldon: Yes.
Tam: Dallas.
Sheldon: Yes.
Tam: Cool.
Adult Sheldon: It was touching to watch Tam bravely fight back tears.
Tam: Have you ever thought about making the trains go clockwise?
Sheldon: No.
Tam:
Adult Sheldon: You should. Brave, brave Tam.

Adult Sheldon: Sleep didn't come easy that night, knowing that, at any moment, I could be decapitated.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, the bed in my room had a dust ruffle, which, to my young mind, only meant one thing: there was dust.

Adult Sheldon: But, eventually, I did drift off, haunted by the memory, the three of us gathered around the piano singing hippie folk music.

Adult Sheldon: "You'll not see nothin'." Shame on whoever wrote that.

Adult Sheldon: It was at that moment I decided I was not cut out for teaching. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was wonderful at everything else.

Adult Sheldon: Seeing my brother struggle was difficult for me. As his tutor, I took his failure personally, almost as if I had failed. Which was odd, because I knew how dumb he was.

Adult Sheldon: He had me. Somehow, the mullet-headed simpleton had me.